As some of you might recall, I got very sick this past winter. This mystery flu hit me at the end of February and hung around until early April. I was so sick, I spent weeks doing nothing but lying down. Needless to say, after weeks of such a sedentary existence, I got a little tubby.
Not a lot tubby. But enough to make my pants tight.
Three weeks ago, as I struggled to squeeze into a pair of shorts, the button popped off, and I realized there was no denying the encroaching tub. So I began a daily workout regimen to combat the tubby.
I’ve been obsessive about it ever since. Every day I work out – abs, upper body, legs, ass. Plus I started a rather extreme caloric reduction diet. Amazingly, the results have been rapid. My pants aren’t tight anymore. In fact, in just three weeks’ time, they’re becoming rather loose. My T-shirts are baggy around the middle, but growing a bit snug around the sleeves thanks to the increase in muscle mass. And for some reason, my ass is getting higher. Who knew one could possess a gravity-defying ass?
I’m taking the fight to tubby and tubby is on the retreat.
When you suffer from Lupus, building up muscle and losing weight is a great way to alleviate the strain on your joints. And though Lupus has a virtual cornucopia of symptoms, in my case, the arthritis symptoms are the most common and persistent – not to mention the most painful. So Operation Lose the Tubby has many great benefits for me beyond the standard “fit into my clothes” benefit.
Plus, let’s face it. Fat-shaming works. And there’s nothing more crushing than struggling to put on your shorts only to have the button break off in your hand as you test the endurance of the material in the effort to get your damn shorts buttoned.
I can tell you if I had any large trees conveniently placed in my backyard, I wouldn’t say no to hanging bodyweight resistance straps from a thick branch and making the most of them.
Alas, I do not have any conveniently placed trees.
Apparently in Oakland, California, some folks who also don’t have large trees in their own yard went above and beyond the call of duty in the battle against tubby. They hung their own bodyweight resistance ropes from trees in an area park.
And because we live in a world of the Perpetually Offended, these exercise ropes were mistaken for nooses.
Of course they were.
The Mayor of Oakland, Libby “ICE is Coming!” Schaaf released a statement on Wednesday announcing that whoever hung these exercise ropes will be investigated for a hate crime.
A hate crime against whom? The tubby?
Was there some overweight Karen who happened past these ropes and thought, “How dare you fat shame me with your presence, exercise ropes! This is a hate crime against the horizontally challenged!”
Schaaf’s statement is absurd to say the least. But in 2020 America where everything is viewed through race-colored glasses, it’s hardly surprising that exercise equipment would offend the Perpetually Offended.
“Symbols of racial violence have no place in Oakland and will not be tolerated,” said the genius Mayor. “Several nooses found on trees around Lake Merritt were removed and will be investigated as hate crimes.”
Now, it’s helpful to know Mayor Schaaf released this statement after the city learned that these were simply tools for those seeking to combat the tubby. And Schaaf even acknowledges this in her statement saying, “Reports that these were part of exercise equipment do not remove or excuse their torturous and terrorizing effects.”
Oh, so it doesn’t matter that the claim that they were nooses was wrong. It doesn’t matter that they were, in fact, placed in the trees for those seeking to exercise. They are still “torturous and terrorizing.”
Torturous and terrorizing to whom? Fatties who feel threatened by the idea of getting in shape?
“We are all responsible for knowing the history and present day reality of lynchings, hate crimes and racial violence,” the clownish Schaaf continued. “Objects that invoke such terror will not be tolerated in Oakland’s public spaces.”
They were friggin’ exercise equipment for crap’s sake!
Even knowing what their purpose was, Libby Schaaf still wants to investigate their presence as a hate crime.
Are we really going to investigate every stupid thing under the sun as a hate crime because of a misunderstanding created by someone’s feelings?
Sweet merciful Zeus. The country has gone completely sack of hammers.
But that’s not even the worst part of this clownish story.
When Mayor Schaaf tweeted out this statement – that, again, included the fact that it was exercise equipment – those replying to her tweet were outraged and horrified.
Not outraged and horrified at what an idiot Mayor Schaaf is, but outraged and horrified at those racist exercise ropes and the evil White Supremacists who placed them there.
Naturally, they blamed it on Trump and his “brownshirt” followers, and urged Mayor Schaaf to “get them!”
It is a Hate Crime! It’s Domestic Terrorism!!
We are living in truly stupid times.
The cherry on top of this foolish story is that the man who came forward and explained what these ropes were for was a black man named Victor Sengbe.
I’m not certain that will stop the lunatics from raging. Right now they’re in the “it doesn’t matter what they are, it’s how they are perceived” stage of insanity.
The larger problem, of course, is the lunatics aren’t just random cul-de-sac busybodies on Twitter; they’re Democrat mayors like Oakland’s Libby Schaff.
It’s as if the entire country is turning into Seventeenth Century Salem.
The only silver lining, of course, is Operation Backfire. The more insane these people get, the harder and farther they push. And folks are starting to realize that the Perpetually Offended are losing their minds.
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