April Ryan: Heaven’s Gatekeeper

April Ryan - Heaven’s Gatekeeper

On this Easter Sunday, you would do well to remember that you better not cross April Ryan.

I know you all thought April was just a former jazz DJ who stumbled backwards into “journalism,” but you would be wrong.

April Ryan is more than just a chubby CNN contributor and White House “reporter” for the Urban Radio Network.

She has also anointed herself God’s chosen one.

Like a bouncer manning the velvet rope of a nightclub, April Ryan stands guard over the gates of Heaven.

And she alone will decide who will and will not cross.

So that makes two jobs that April Ryan isn’t qualified to hold.

After April – patron saint of jazz DJs and pecan pie conspiracy theorists – ranted on CNN demanding Sarah Huckabee Sanders be fired, Sarah’s dad Mike Huckabee took umbrage at April saying “you have to start and start lopping heads off.”

Well, Saint April was not amused.

How dare Mike Huckabee demand that April have her credentials revoked?!

Sure, April was demanding the White House fire Sarah Sanders.  But that’s no reason to demand she get her credentials revoked!

So not only does Saint April think she should be the one to decide who can stay employed at the White House.  She also believes she has some say as to who may enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

For as Jesus said in Matthew 18, “Truly I say to you, unless you get the April Ryan seal of approval, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.”

Jesus died for our sins, it’s true.  But there’s one sin that even the blood of the Savior cannot wash away.  And that’s tweeting out that April Ryan should get her White House credentials revoked.

That’s a sin too far even for God.

And for that, Heaven’s Gatekeeper has expelled Mike Huckabee from the flock of the faithful.

She sure does think highly of herself, doesn’t she?

But, as Solomon said in Proverbs, “Pride goes before destruction. And a haughty spirit before stumbling.”

Come to think of it, I think it might be a good idea for April to spend this Easter Sunday reading the book of Proverbs.  Not only would she learn a lot about the cost of pride, but she just might learn a thing or two about being the fool.

Like, for example, “The wise woman builds her house. But the foolish woman tears it down with her own hands.”

And while she’s at it, perhaps before expelling Mike Huckabee from heaven over the sliver in his eye, April Ryan should take a gander at the plank in her own.

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4 thoughts on “April Ryan: Heaven’s Gatekeeper

  • April 21, 2019 at 11:43 am
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    The myopic self-approved authority of this PERSON. CNN’s daddy — if such oversight exists — should step in, before M. Huckabee need sit down!

    Happy Easter

    ..

  • April 21, 2019 at 2:27 pm
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    The best tweet I’ve seen…

    “I didn’t know God had a weight problem.”
    😝

  • April 21, 2019 at 5:26 pm
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    I so appreciate Dianny’s great photo shopping skills. All of them are at “Master” level!
    Dianny, I wish you would do one of bug-eyed Adam Schiff as a take-off of Gloria ( “I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. Demille”) Swanson. Only you could do this justice.
    Also, so sorry about your crummy lupus flare. Sending up prayer for you….

  • April 21, 2019 at 10:50 pm
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    She was a jazz dj? How is someone that uptight and bitchy playing smooth jazz?
    And I bet she only played the one song she knew the words to.

Comments are closed.