Ladies and gentlemen!!
Welcome to the Coast Guard Academy Commencement!
Step right up and take your seats for Barack the Bubble Boy’s Traveling Roadshow!
Our boy in the bubble President brings his trademark magical thinking on the road for all of you to see!
And now, without further ado, please put your hands together for Barack the Bubble Boy!!!!
“Thank you! Thank you everyone. Ahoy!
Can you hear me okay through my bubble?
Before we begin let me thank Admiral Zukunft for making sure my teleprompter was set up and tested in advance.
What a beautiful day in New London, Connecticut. If I’m not mistaken, Connecticut became the fifty-fourth state in the Union.
Michelle sends her greetings. She was going to come with me, but apparently there aren’t any good rib joints in New London. So she stayed home to count the ways the color of her skin has made her a victim.
The Coast Guard may be the smallest of our services, but not for long, my friends. I am working tirelessly to gut the other branches of the military and, if I play my cards right, I hope to have the Navy down to a canoe and a paddle boat by the time I leave office.
Whenever I visit our military bases, there are always plenty of people in uniform that make for one hell of a photo-op. And you guys are no different! Those crisp white uniforms you’re wearing. I have to tell you, nothing gets me going quite like a man in uniform.
Now, cadets, I’m not here to only praise you. I’m here to sound the alarm. Yes, to sound the alarm about the horrible danger that is threatening our world.
Sure, some folks may say terrorism is the worst threat to humanity, but they would be wrong.
It’s Climate Change.
Yes, Climate Change. Now, I know there are a few people in Washington who deny Climate Change is real. But they would be wrong.
Every single solitary scientist on the planet agrees with me. I have counted and that’s over seventy-gajillion scientists who all agree with me that Climate Change is real. No scientist disagrees with me. Every single one of them know that Climate is real.
Sure, there have been reports that the majority of earth scientists don’t believe Climate Change is real, but they’re lying to you. How do I know they’re lying? Because it’s real. Everyone believes it.
And so we are not going to debate it. There’s nothing to debate. Everybody knows that Climate Change is real and so if you don’t you would be wrong. And, shut up.
And Climate Change is the reason we face such dire challenges today.
Because Climate Change, which is real and you can’t debate it because it’s real, is the cause of terrorism.
Not Islamic jihadists. No! It has nothing to do with Islam!
Terrorism exists because of Climate Change.
If it weren’t for our rising oceans and increased temperatures, every single member of ISIS would be as gentle as a fluffy lamb. What makes these guys so mean is, well, you’re in the Coast Guard, so you may not know this, but it’s hot in the desert. And it’s hot in the desert because of Climate Change.
If it weren’t for those hot deserts which are hot because Climate Change makes them hot, the people who live in deserts wouldn’t be crucifying Christians, setting fire to pilots or beheading American journalists.
ISIS isn’t gobbling up Iraq because I rushed to get our troops out of there before the nation was stabilized.
ISIS is gobbling up Iraq because of Climate Change.
And 97% of scientists agree with me. Climate Change is the cause of terrorism. So we can’t debate it anymore. There’s nothing to debate because it’s proven. Sure, they say you can’t prove anything in science, but 97% of scientists agree that Climate Change is the proven cause of terrorism. So stop debating it.
Because of Climate Change, we have Ebola ravaging West Africa.
If it weren’t for greenhouse gasses trapped in our atmosphere, there wouldn’t be infectious diseases. And this has created a health problem for the entire universe. We have to combat Climate Change to eradicate illness from the planet.
Everyone would be disease-free if it weren’t for Climate Change. And 97% of scientists agree with me. Even my daughter Malia wouldn’t have had asthma if it weren’t for Climate Change. Sure there are some flat-earth deniers who would try and blame my smoking for Malia’s asthma, but they would be wrong. My smoking around my kids had no impact on their health whatsoever. And 97% of all scientists agree with me. It wasn’t my smoking. It was Climate Change.
Because of Climate Change, we have abject poverty in Central and South America. Now, there are some who would claim that this poverty is a direct result of having Marxist banana republic governments in these countries who have destroyed the economy and sentenced their citizens to a life of poverty. But they would be wrong.
Climate Change and only Climate Change is responsible for poverty. Especially the poverty in Central and South America. And 97% of all scientists agree with me that poverty has nothing to do with command and control, Marxist governments who couldn’t grow an economy to save their lives. It has everything to do with Climate Change.
And that’s why we need to welcome these millions of illegals into our nation. They are Climate Refugees. This is why I am deferring any action against them. Climate Change must be battled on all fronts.
Because of Climate Change, we have horrible hurricanes like Superstorm Sandy.
Yes, sure, there have been fewer hurricanes over the last few years, but that’s only because of Climate Change too. 97% of all scientists agree with me.
Because of Climate Change, the ice caps are melting.
Yes, sure, there has been an increase in arctic ice, but that’s only because of Climate Change too.
And if you don’t believe me, you would be wrong. How do I know you’re wrong? Because 97% of all scientists agree with me. And 97% of all scientists is eleventy-five gazillion men and women in white lab coats.
Plummeting home values, the disparity in income, the rise in Food Stamp use, the rising cost of healthcare and health insurance, everything. Everything is being caused by Climate Change.
Not by me.
Not even by George W. Bush.
But by Climate Change.
And the only way to stop Climate Change is by raising taxes on Americans, stop using fossil fuels and return to the glory days of the horse and buggy.
The only way to have a Twenty-First Century economy is to return this nation to the eighteenth century in order to save the planet from the ravages of Climate Change.
I have plenty more to say about Climate Change, but damn if it doesn’t get really hot and humid inside my hermetically-sealed bubble.
But even the heat and humidity inside my hermetically-sealed bubble is the fault of Climate Change, not all the hot air I spew when I read these speeches. And 97% of all scientists agree with me on that.
So congratulations on graduating from the Coast Guard Academy and have fun sailing our rising oceans.
Thank you and goodbye.
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Books by Dianny:
RANT 2.0: Even More Politics & Snark in the Age of Obama,
Liberals Gone WILD!!! The Not-So-Silent Conquering of America,
RANT: Politics & Snark in the Age of Obama,
and two novels: Sliding Home Feet First and Under the Cloud