BREAKING: CNN Rejects Advocacy in Favor of Objective Reporting

From the Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service. After decades of Liberal advocacy, CNN has decided to scrap its format entirely in favor of actual objective reporting.

This morning, Jeff Zucker, President of CNN Worldwide, publicly announced the pending change.

“Look, the ‘Fake News’ moniker really got to us,” Zucker pointed out.

However, an unnamed source within CNN said the planned change is not going over well among the CNN rank and file.

“The on-air talent are furious,” the source told TWIDNS on the condition of anonymity. “Jake Tapper and Wolf Blitzer are planning a hunger strike. And Chris Cuomo said it is a violation of the First Amendment for a cable news channel to objectively report the news.”

But there are some of the reporters who are willing to give it a try. In fact, several have already signed up for an “Introduction to Journalism” class offered at the Learning Center.

“And one reporter has rented Broadcast News, Network and His Girl Friday,” the source informed us. “He hopes it gives him some idea what objective reporting looks like.”

But not everyone is pleased.

Ana Navarro threatened to quit claiming objective journalism is racist against Hispanics.

Van Jones is also threatening to walk. He was heard loudly arguing with Zucker saying objective reporting would mean an end to the Climate Change movement.

Meanwhile, Brian Stelter has been inconsolable since Zucker informed the CNN staff of the pending format change.

“But my show is called Reliable Sources!” Stelter is rumored to have sputtered between sobs. “How can I do a show like that if I have to be objective?!”

But hardest hit among the CNN staff are the twenty-something reporters with degrees in journalism. During Zucker’s private announcement to employees, these millennial reporters were seen on their smart phones looking up the definition of the word “objective.”

According to our anonymous source, grief counselors were brought in to help CNN employees work through the trauma.

“I haven’t heard this much keening and wailing since election night,” our source told us.

With CNN’s ratings in the toilet, it remains to be seen if transforming into an actual news source will be enough to turn things around.

“But Zucker is desperate,” our source said. “The ‘Fake News’ label is sticking to us like gum on the bottom of a shoe. At this point, even if we actually begin to report the news honestly and objectively, I doubt anybody is going to believe us.”

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2 thoughts on “BREAKING: CNN Rejects Advocacy in Favor of Objective Reporting

  • April 1, 2017 at 8:43 am
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    I would not be surprised if this was actually true. Happy April fools day

  • April 1, 2017 at 9:40 am
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    I’ve an anonymous inside source who indicates CNN is moving its entire enterprise out of country — a mammoth logistical operation called “Destination Havana.” My source said the relocation is not a direct consequence of the November election, but has been long in the works since access to Cuba’s socialist paradise became available to Americans under the visionary leadership of President Obama. Strictly off-the-record, my source, paraphrasing President Obama, said, “We know that this moment fills Cubans and Americans with powerful emotions.” As part of the move, CNN will operate a Spanish-language immigrant channel: Televisión América Libre (Television Free America). When I told my source that Carl McIntire failed in his “off-shore broadcasting” venture in the early 70s, my source angrily replied, “Cubanophobe! A season harvesting caña de azúcar will correct your mind!” — I don’t know what that even means!

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