Exclusive from the Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service
[Trenton, NJ] High-ranking staff for Governor Chris Christie have been meeting behind closed doors for the last two days feverishly discussing their concerns over the Governor’s erratic and deeply troubling behavior.
“We’re growing very concerned,” an anonymous source told me. “The guy just seems off.”
One staff member in attendance was seen escorting a mystery guest in from the back stairway of the executive office building. After tireless research, we have learned that the man is a well-known “deprogrammer” who has worked with many former members of various cults including a woman who once belonged to the People’s Temple.
When asked about the deprogrammer’s presence in the meeting, one Christie staffer — speaking only on the condition of anonymity — would only confirm that the man in question was an expert in the field of Systematic Manipulation of Social and Psychological Influence (or SMSPI). “For the love of Christ, don’t call him a deprogrammer!”
Concerns for Governor Christie’s well-being became even greater after watching last night’s victory speech by presidential candidate Donald J. Trump.
“Christ on a cracker,” the staffer told this reporter, “he looked like a friggin’ deer in the headlights. I’m convinced he was blinking out Morse Code. I mean, I’m no expert, but we’ve played back the video several times, and I can tell you it looked to me like he was blinking out ‘SOS.’
“This just isn’t like the Governor. I can tell you that,” the staffer went on. “We’ve checked on his family to make sure none of them were being threatened in any way. Honestly. We just don’t have any earthly idea why the Governor would be acting like this.”
Though deprogramming is controversial and considered very dangerous, the staffer said they really felt they had no choice but to resort to extreme methods.
“At first it was funny, you know?” The staffer went on. “We were making jokes about the Governor joining ‘The People’s Trumple.’ But we’re not laughing anymore.”
Attempts to question the deprogrammer were rebuffed by the Governor’s staff, who kept the man away from reporters and news cameras. Though one staffer did say that if the Governor doesn’t return to Trenton by Wednesday evening, they will be sending this mysterious man to retrieve him.
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