EXCLUSIVE: Behind the scenes of Obama endorsing Hillary

Exclusive from the Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service: We have a behind the scenes look in the Oval Office from when Joe Biden got the news about Barack Obama endorsing Hillary Clinton.

This exclusive report is the transcript of the conversation between Valerie Jarrett, Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden. This audio from this meeting was secretly delivered to the Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service by an anonymous source in the Vice President’s staff.

According to the source, Mr. Biden only recently discovered the Voice Memo feature on his iPhone and has been enjoying making recordings of himself pretending to be Perry Como. Unfortunately, the Vice President tends to forget to turn the voice memo off when he’s done playing with it. As a result, the audio of this meeting was captured.

I have dutifully transcribed the meeting and will spare you the agony of having to listen to the first fifteen minutes of the audio where Joe was singing “What Kind of Fool Am I?” “Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo” “Papa Loves Mambo” and “It’s Impossible.”

Obama
Have a seat Joe. We need to talk.

Biden
[singing] “Papa loves mambo. Mama loves Mambo.”
[clears his throat] This won’t take long, right? I am in the
middle of something really important.

Valerie
No. Not long.

Obama
Listen, Joe. I know we talked about my staying out of the
race and not endorsing Hillary. But–

Biden
Right! You’ll get Loretta to drop the hammer, and then I’ll
ride in at the Convention and save the day!

Valerie
Things have changed.

Biden
You’re gonna fly me in from the ceiling?! Like that scene in
“Phantom of the Opera?”

Obama
Look, Joe. We have to scrap the plan.

Biden
I’m gonna rise up from a hole in the Convention stage?

Valerie
Barack has to endorse Hillary.

Biden
Right. I get it. Make her feel like she’s safe and then BAMMO!
I show up at the Convention and get the nomination.

Obama
Sorry, Joe. But no.

Biden
Hey! You’re a poet and you don’t know it!

Valerie
The emails that we instructed Mrs. Clinton to delete. She
didn’t delete.

Obama
Not only did she not delete them; she didn’t even turn them
over to the State Department so they could “accidentally”
lose them.

Biden
What emails?

Obama
The ones between Hillary and me. MY emails! All of them!
Including the ones about … look, these emails can’t come out!

Valerie
Mrs. Clinton contacted me through a cut-out. She’s made
hard copies, she’s copied them to several dozen flash drives
and has them in the care of attorneys loyal to the Clintons.
Not to mention stashed in safe deposit boxes from here to San
Francisco.

Biden
[singing] “He goes to, she goes fro. He goes fast, she goes slow.”
So, what does that mean?

Obama endorsing Hillary

Valerie
Well, the message was clear. Barack either endorses Hillary
or she releases those emails.

Obama
To the Drudge Report! That bitch is going to send them to
freaking Matt Drudge!!!!

Valerie
And Megyn Kelly.

Biden
That Megyn Kelly. Hotsie-totsie! Let me tell you, there was
not one girl at Syracuse University with legs like hers when I
was there! I’ve been trying to get her to interview me for
years. Just so I could nuzzle her a little between takes.

Valerie
Stay on task, Joe.

Biden
Okay, so you pretend you’re endorsing Hillary to throw her
off our scent, then we keep working behind the scenes to —

Obama
You’re not listening, Joe. We can’t pull the switch at the
Convention. If we do–

Valerie
Those emails could destroy this Administration. You
understand Joe? The ramifications … if that information got
out … let’s just say it would not be good.

Biden
What about setting off an EMT?

Valerie
If she hadn’t made hard copies, we would. But–

Obama
This is a disaster.

Biden
So I don’t get to run for President?

Valerie
I’m afraid not.

Biden
You should have just let me enter the race last summer.

Obama
I couldn’t! Don’t you understand?! She promised me if I
kept you out of the race that she’d destroy the emails.

Valerie
The bitch lied. Big surprise.

Biden
But I’ve been working on my story about how Beau came
to me in a dream and told me to take up the mantle and
run. It’s a real tear-jerker. You telling me, I can’t use it?!

Valerie
You have to understand, Joe–

Obama
That lying witch has us by the short curlies.

Biden
My hair plugs?

Valerie
Jesus Christ.

Obama
You understand that I have to go out there and endorse that
bitch?! I have to stand there and talk about how qualified
she is. ON CAMERA!

Valerie
And as soon as he’s done, he has to meet with Loretta.

Biden
So, Hillary isn’t getting
indickted?

Valerie
No.

Obama
If we indict her, she’s going to drag me down with her. You
understand?! She’s going to sink my entire Administration!
My legacy.

Valerie
Forget your legacy. You’ll end up in prison. All of us will.

Biden
Wow. That’s kinda mean of her.

Obama
You think?!

Valerie
Look, Joe. We just wanted you to know ahead of time so
you aren’t blindsided this afternoon.

Biden
Blindsided about what?

Obama
Oh, for shit’s sake.

Valerie
That Barack is endorsing Hillary.

Biden
Oh, that. Okay. [fumbling and odd noises are heard] Huh.
Would’ja look at that? I forgot to…

Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service

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One thought on “EXCLUSIVE: Behind the scenes of Obama endorsing Hillary

  • June 10, 2016 at 5:20 pm
    Permalink

    WARNING, BE CAREFUL Dianny. Truth like this can get you disappeared. Excellent as always! If you are not on thier respective sh!tlists yet, then they aren’t listening. You definately should be a proud member of that ever growing list. No worries they can’t possibly get us all. Yeah the sh!tlist IS that long.

    Valarie sit down and STFU! Turn up the music crazy a$$ Uncle Joe. Get out of public housing Barry, and take chewbakkah with you! Hitlery, try on this new jumpsuit, the color orange really suits you. Okay, now everybody please board the shiney new jumbo jet for your FREE, taxpayer funded, errh , uhh, 2 week vacation to a tiny tropical island out in the middle of friggin nowhere. All ABOARD!

    The Revolution is! James C. Bowers, 2015.

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