Exclusive: Behind the Scenes as Liz learns to drink beer

Exclusive from the Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service: We have obtained exclusive audio from an anonymous source that gives us a peek behind the scenes as Liz Warren prepares for her livestream chat from her kitchen.

Unnamed Staffer
Okay, Senator.  Before you start filming maybe we
should do a dry run-through with the camera off.

Warren
Okay. That’s fine.  What do you think of this suit?

Unnamed Staffer
I’m not sure a business suit is the right look here.
You’re in your kitchen just kicking back. Maybe a 
sweatshirt and jeans would be better.

Warren
A what? Sweatshirt?  I’m not sure I have one of those.
And I haven’t owned a pair of jeans since Gloria Vanderbilt
was selling them.  (long pause) Wait! I just remembered!
I think there’s an old pair of Jordasche jeans in the attic.

Unnamed Staffer
No.

Warren
Well, maybe I can borrow a pair.

Unnamed Staffer
Forget the jeans and sweatshirt. Maybe we can go with
a sweater and slacks.

Warren
Fine. I’ll go change.

Second Unnamed Staffer
This is a bad idea. I think we should just go with Liz sitting
behind a desk.

Unnamed Staffer
We can’t do that. Liz really wants to look relatable. Like
Beto and Ocasio-Cortez.

Second Unnamed Staffer
Then can we clear some of this crap out of here? Her kitchen
looks like a Williams-Sonoma showroom. Stick some boxes of
Kraft Macaroni & Cheese on a shelf. Replace that expensive
Keurig with a Mr. Coffee.

Unnamed Staffer
We don’t have time.

Warren
How’s this?  Do I look more with-it in this?

Unnamed Staffer
Let’s avoid using “with-it” if we can, okay?

Second Unnamed Staffer
You look fine, Senator. But maybe lose the diamond earrings.

Unnamed Staffer
Now, Senator.  We thought you could start off just shooting the
breeze. Then, take a moment to stop and open a cold beer.

Warren
A beer?!  We don’t have beer in the house.

Unnamed Staffer
No, I know. I ran out and got you a six pack. They’re in the fridge.

Warren
Okay.  (rummaging through cabinet) What kind of glass does
one use to consume beer?

Second Unnamed Staffer
It would be more authentic if you just drank it out of the
bottle.

Warren
Like a hobo in the street?!

Second Unnamed Staffer
(quietly) Hobo? Who says hobo?

Unnamed Staffer
Senator, just twist open the top and take a swig.  Come on.
Let’s just rehearse it. Go to the fridge, pull a bottle out of
the six pack, open it and take a drink.

(Sound of refrigerator door opening. There is a
clink of bottles. Then refrigerator door closes.)

(Warren makes several grunting noises.)

Warren
It … won’t … open!

Unnamed Staffer
Just twist it off, Senator.

Second Unnamed Staffer
Pretend it’s a bottle of Valium.

(The fizz of an open bottle is heard.)

Warren
I can’t be seen struggling to open this on camera!

Unnamed Staffer
Don’t worry about it.  Now that you’ve got it open, we’ll just
have you use the same bottle with the cap slightly loose.
No one’s the wiser.

Warren
And you want me to put my lips on the bottle and drink?
Good Lord.
(A pause as Warren takes a sip. The sound of spitting
is heard.)
That’s disgusting!  I can’t drink this!  Just let me pour a
glass of wine.  I’m sure that would be fine.

Unnamed Staffer
Senator.  We’re trying to appeal to … you know …
normal people.

Second Unnamed Staffer
Like the people who live in those middle states.

Unnamed Staffer
No. Not those people. The same normal people who love
Beto and Ocasio-Cortez.

Warren
Like the Millennials?

Unnamed Staffer
Right.  When they get home from their barista job, they
crack open a cold beer.

Warren
You’re not going to suggest I ride a skating board, are you?!
Because I won’t ride a skating board!

Unnamed Staffer
The beer is more than enough.

Warren
Well, then, I’ll just pretend to take a sip.

Second Unnamed Staffer
How about we do this?  We’ll pour out the beer and
replace it with wine.

Warren
Yes, yes. That would work.
(The sound of beer being poured into the sink.
The refrigerator opens again.  The sound of a cork
being pulled from a bottle.)
Refill the beer bottle over the sink. I don’t want
to spill wine all over the counter. Besides, that is
a very expensive bottle of Domaine Ramonet
Montrachet Grand Cru
.

(Long pause during which the wine is poured
into the beer bottle.)

Unnamed Staffer
Are you ready for a dry run of the beer-drinking part, Senator?

Warren
Okay.  Here goes.

Unnamed Staffer
Wait. Put the bottle back in the fridge.
(Sound of refrigerator opening and closing)
Okay. Let ‘er rip!

Warren
(clears her throat) Before we continue with this live-stream,
I thought it might be hep to enjoy a nice bottle of beer
with you guys.

Unnamed Staffer
Wait. That’s not right. First of all, don’t use “hep.”

Warren
How about “rad?”

Unnamed Staffer
Maybe it’s better if we just avoid anything like that. Look.
Be more …conversational.

Warren
Conversational? How do you mean?

Second Unnamed Staffer
More laid-back.

Warren
Laid back. Could you give me an example?

Unnamed Source
Just stop for a moment and say something like “hold on a sec.
I’m gonna get a beer.”

Warren
I think I can do that. (clears her throat) Hold on a sec. I’m-a-gonna
get me a beer.

Unnamed Staffer
Stop.  “I’m-a-gonna?”  No. You’re trying to appeal to
millennials, not some Gomer in Trump country.

Warren
So, I shouldn’t say “gonna?”

Unnamed Staffer
You can say “gonna,” but the “I’m-a” has got to go.

Warren
Okay. Let me try it again. (clears her throat) Hold on a sec.
I’m gonna get me a beer.
(Sound of refrigerator opening.)
Wait. Which bottle is the one with the Domaine Ramonet
Montrachet Grand Cru
?

Second Unnamed Staffer
Jesus. The one not in the six pack.

Warren
Ah, yes. I see it.  Okay. Let me try that again.
(Sound of refrigerator closing)
Hold on a sec. I’m gonna get me a beer.
(Sound of refrigerator opening)
So I just twist off the cap?

Unnamed Staffer
Yes. It’s not fully tightened. So it should come off easily.
(Pause as bottle is opened.)
Good. Now just take a sip.

Warren
(sipping beer) This is the best wine. Have you ever tried
this? Over two thousand dollars a bottle. Very nice body.

Unnamed Staffer
Okay, Bruce. This is where we want you to enter.

Bruce
I really don’t want to do this.

Warren
Bruce, it’s important.

Bruce
This whole thing is ridiculous! Leave me out of it, Liz.
I mean it!

Warren
Bruce, get in here!

(Sound of Warren leaving kitchen)

Second Unnamed Staffer
I thought you said he was cool with it.

Unnamed Staffer
Well, the Senator said he was cool with it.

Second Unnamed Staffer
This is going to be the freaking DNA test all over again!
Let’s be honest. She’s not Beto. And she sure as shit
isn’t Ocasio-Cortez.

Warren
Okay. Bruce said he would come in, but only for a
moment.  It’s the best I can do.

Unnamed Staffer
Okay, Senator.  We’re going to go stand over there out of
sight and we won’t make a sound. That way it seems like
you’re just alone in your kitchen kicking back.

Warren
Alone in my kitchen. Got it.

Unnamed Staffer
Put the cap back on the beer bottle and put it back in the fridge.

(Sound of refrigerator opening)

Warren
Wait. How do I get the camera thingy going?

Second Unnamed Staffer
Dear God.

Unnamed Staffer
I got it all set up.  When you’re ready, just press this.

Warren
Okay. Here we go!

Liz and her beer

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7 thoughts on “Exclusive: Behind the Scenes as Liz learns to drink beer

  • January 2, 2019 at 11:06 am
    Permalink

    Brilliant! On several levels; great format – puts reader in the scene; content is insightful; concluding photo … can’t stop snickering. And the ‘News Service’ tagline is so trademark worthy: “Wildly inaccurate, but not CNN inaccurate”

    Seriously, how do you do it? Prolific writer/graphic artist, often several illustrated posts a day, with consistently thoughtful content. Hope your End of Year Fundraiser is a big success!

    ..

  • January 2, 2019 at 11:27 am
    Permalink

    Who above the age of 4 drinks from a bottle with both lips over the bottle. Doesn’t she realize this causes backwash? I guess before she can learn to drink beer, she needs to learn how to drink from a grown-up’s bottle.

  • January 2, 2019 at 12:13 pm
    Permalink

    it just makes me want to slap the stupid off of her

  • January 2, 2019 at 1:26 pm
    Permalink

    She is holding it like she was holding a c#ck. Mouthing it like it’s a c#ck.

    • January 2, 2019 at 1:41 pm
      Permalink

      Please don’t explain how you know how Liz holds that. I’m sure I don’t want to know.

  • January 2, 2019 at 1:50 pm
    Permalink

    This was in no way, shape, or form, “innacurate”. Lie-a-watha was showing that she’s down with the kids in the most fakes way possible.

  • January 3, 2019 at 3:01 am
    Permalink

    Had to laugh …. looking like she attempted to twist the cap IN THE WRONG DIRECTION!
    Overall, almost painful to watch – yet oddly celebratory at the same time.
    Hoping ten more just like her throw their hats into the ring.

Comments are closed.

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