If you ever wondered what happened to that little robot kid from the movie AI, well, he’s all grown up and running for President. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Anodyne 2020 Platitude Generator.
Between Cyborg Liz (1/1024th human) and Pete “the Platitude Generator” Buttigieg, the Democrat field sure has its fill of robotic, preprogrammed candidates, doesn’t it?
I’m convinced Buttigieg was developed in a lab. Which may explain the Pixar Plasticine look of his New York Magazine cover picture.
Buttigieg’s campaign strategy consists of burping out one anodyne platitude after another. With words — lots and lots of words – that sound profound, but in the end are utterly vapid and devoid of substance.
It’s as if a team of engineers loaded the contents of an Inspiration-a-Day calendar into his databanks. Then with the simple flip of a switch, all those feel-goodisms toss together like a salad then come tumbling out of Robot Pete’s mouth.
There is nothing more self-evident: we all belong in this country.— Pete Buttigieg (@PeteButtigieg) February 14, 2020
“We?” Who is this “we?”
American citizens? Illegal aliens? The entire population of the planet?
It would be much more self-evident if we had some clue who, specifically, this “we” actually is.
But don’t ask for specifics. The Anodyne 2020 Platitude Generator does not do specifics. He’s not programmed that way.
Besides, specifics aren’t the point.
The point is to make everything the Anodyne 2020 Platitude Generator says sound both harmless and profound.
We go forward knowing that this is our chance—our only chance—not just to end the era of Donald Trump, but to launch the era that must come next.— Pete Buttigieg (@PeteButtigieg) February 12, 2020
Yeah, that really doesn’t mean anything.
But, boy would it look good on a coffee mug, am I right?
And what is “the era that must come next?” Again, don’t expect specifics from the Anodyne 2020 Platitude Generator.
We can’t forget this one:
And the Anodyne 2020 Platitude Generator was so proud of that, he made it into a meme.
So did I:
Some clever prankster has even created a Mayor Pete Platitude Generator website. Just click the INSPIRE button and prepare to be inspired.
Because inspiration is the fuel of the collective spirit of the new era we will begin.
The only thing the Anodyne 2020 Platitude Generator has going for him is appearing almost lifelike while sounding perfectly harmless.
But he isn’t harmless.
Like the Cylons in Battlestar Galactica, this robotic, bromide-spewing automaton will turn on us.
Because there’s a flaw in his programming.
You see, the Anodyne 2020 Platitude Generator hates this country as founded.
His true policies that his programming hides would upend our Constitution, our liberty, our economy and our system of self-government.
But much like the earlier prototype The Anodyne 2008 Obamamatic, this latest model is programmed to hide his deep loathing for our country behind a wall of meaningless clichés and vapid platitudes.
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