Hi. My name is Dianny. And I don’t particularly like turkey.
Ordinarily, this aversion to turkey is easy for me to manage. But then Thanksgiving rolls around.
Maybe it isn’t fair to say I hate turkey. I’m just not turkey’s biggest fan.
It’s kinda dry.
I feel the same way about chicken. But that’s mostly because of the time I ordered chicken fingers at a restaurant and underneath the fried batter, the damn strips of chicken were raw.
Never bite into raw chicken. It’s like eating a rubber band.
I never understood why we have to eat turkey on Thanksgiving.
What’s wrong with serving a thick, juicy medium-rare steak?
I love steak.
I remember one time asking we have ham for Thanksgiving.
My mom looked at me as if I suggested we eat a baby.
Now, I don’t mind the stuffing and mashed potatoes. Though I’m kinda iffy on cranberry sauce since it makes me feel like my teeth are pulling back into my jaw.
And I think pumpkin pie is kinda gross. There’s something about eating food that has the consistency of something that’s already been eaten that gives me a wiggins.
I never know how to respond when someone says to me, “So, how was your Thanksgiving? Did you eat until you burst?”
The looks of horror I get when I say I’m not a fan of turkey have taught me to just smile and say, “My Thanksgiving was nice, thanks. How about you?”
From the episode “Pangs” from Buffy the Vampire Slayer:
Well I think that’s a shame. I
love a ritual sacrifice.
It’s not really a one of those.
To commemorate a past event you
kill and eat an animal. It’s a
ritual sacrifice. … with pie.
Can’t Thanksgiving be a ritual sacrifice of a cow?
The only time I have ever liked turkey is when I had “deep-fried” turkey.
Holy smokes! It was the best thing I ever ate.
But the work!
You have to buy a thousand gallons of peanut oil. So, sure. You might get the turkey for sixty-nine cents a pound, but then you have to spend the budget of a small European country on the oil.
So, steak. Sure, it costs more than turkey, but sweet fancy Moses is it good! Steak, a baked potato with sour cream and chives. Steamed vegetables with melted butter. I’m dying here!
I realize that switching to Thanksgiving Steak would have a down side.
A construction-paper steak in a pilgrim’s hat doesn’t look as cute hanging from the wall of a classroom.
But the eatin’s good!
Any old how.
I wanted to wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving.
We are a deeply blessed people. Even in times of struggle and division, the blessings of being American are limitless.
And I wanted you all to know how grateful I am to all of you who make PatriotRetort.com a regular stop on your journey through the Internet.
Now, go eat your turkey and leave me to my steak.
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