You probably noticed I didn’t post anything yesterday. For once, it wasn’t Lupus. Though, honestly, I wish it was Lupus. I had to make an unplanned visit to the doctor yesterday and now will be subjected to a number of tests and scans over the next week or so – including a biopsy. Needless to say, this is somewhat discouraging news.
How could it not be discouraging? Suffering from Lupus is irritating enough. I’d really prefer not to add cancer on top of that.
Though, I did discover that it’s true. There is a gut-wrenching feeling when the doctor says “cancer.” I felt my stomach drop to my feet and the blood drain from my face. And given that I have Lupus and always have a flushed, red face, that was a refreshing change.
Now, there’s as much chance that I don’t have cancer as there is that I do. And only time and tests will tell. So rather than crumble into a heap at the discouraging news, I’ve decided to simply wait and see. Whatever the diagnosis, some form of treatment will be required. I’m hoping for one of the less discouraging diagnoses – specifically any of the ones that don’t include surgery and chemo.
Sure, I’d love to lose 30 pounds. But not like that.
The way I see it, spending the next couple weeks tearing myself apart with worry and anxiety is pointless. If I work myself up into a lather now and the biopsy is negative, I’ll have wasted all that worry and anxiety over nothing.
However things shake out, it’ll interfere with my posting. So if you notice a steep reduction in posts over the next few weeks, it’s probably because I’m either lying in an exam room getting poked, prodded and scanned while freezing my ass off in a paper smock or I’m lying on the couch suffering from the aftermath of all that poking and prodding.
None of this is my idea of fun. But it is what it is.
Whatever the case, I will do my level best to keep up with posting – if for no other reason than it helps get me out of my own head.
There are things in life we cannot change or control. This is one of them. Rather than feel powerless over this discouraging news, I’ve decided to just accept it as one of those things that is out of my control. Better to just strap myself in while keeping my arms and head inside the car at all times and ride it out.
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