I’m sure you all have been trying to noodle out how Russia managed to get Donald Trump elected. Hacking an election isn’t easy when so many counties use paper ballots.
Well, my friends. I got news for you. Russia didn’t hack the election. It’s just that every single person who voted for Donald Trump was a Russian agent.
Da. We’re lousy with Ruskies!
You think it’s just coincidence that every county won by Donald Trump is colored red?
They’re all Ruskies!
Look at that! Just look!
Red, red, red – as far as the eye can see!
The whole country is crawling with Ruskies.
Hell, even 43% of California is Russian-controlled.
I should just get it out of the way right now. You see, I am one of those Ruskies who worked to get Donald Trump elected.
I am a sleeper cell.
Okay, not anymore. I just admitted it. So now, I am an open agent of a foreign government working to elect the one candidate who seeks to restore America’s standing as a Superpower.
Which, when you get right down to it, is a little self-destructive on the part of us Ruskies.
You’d think we’d want the incompetent crook who sold off US uranium to us.
Any old how. You don’t have to understand it. You just have to believe it.
Even if it is completely unbelievable.
You have no idea how insidious we Ruskies have been.
We managed to quietly encourage Hillary Clinton to set up a private server to do government business seven years before she ran for President. That’s how forward-thinking we Ruskies are.
The one thing we thought would be tough was making Hillary look like a corrupt, venal criminal. Turns out, she did most of that work for us.
Then, after Hillary declared her candidacy, we secretly forced the Democratic National Committee to rig their primary process so that no other candidate could win.
Pretty impressive, if I do say so myself.
Then, after she won the nomination, we Ruskies, working behind the scenes, made Hillary Clinton look like a feeble, barely living, incompetent campaigner.
The cat’s out of the bag, so I might as well level with you.
We Ruskies were drugging her vodka with Ambien. The idea was to make her groggy. Had we known how much vodka she was going to consume, we would have cut back on the amount of Ambian we used. But it worked out great! Hillary spent 80% of her time sleeping rather than campaigning.
We were only shooting for about 30% of the time.
But the best part? One of our sleeper agents injected her with a drug on September 11. This drug caused Mrs. Clinton to have a seizure while trying to stumble into her campaign van.
Oh, and the guy who filmed it?
One of us!
Using our advanced training in mind control, we Ruskies planted the suggestion that Mrs. Clinton call half the country “deplorable.”
Hey, we may be foreigners, but we know how Americans feel about being insulted and demeaned by a presidential candidate.
The trickiest part of course, was keeping Mrs. Clinton from actually campaigning in states like Michigan and Wisconsin while spending all her time rubbing shoulders with the very rich.
It was touch and go there for a while. That Jake Sullivan nearly ruined it for us by trying to get Mrs. Clinton to actually campaign in rust belt states. Fortunately, the mind control methods we use, though not fool-proof, were complete enough to ensure that the rest of her campaign team would make stupid decisions.
I know what you’re thinking.
How did so many Ruskies manage to sneak into the United States and turn virtually the entire country red?
Oh, honey. We just pretended to be Syrian refugees and “unaccompanied minors” from Central and South America. You’d be amazed how well that worked.
But now that the CIA let the cat out of the bag and our cover is blown, there’s no point in pretending anymore.
I am not Dianny.
My name is Svetlana.
I am one of the nearly sixty-three million Ruskies who voted in your election. And Comrade Trump is our chief Ruskie spy and our handler.
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