What is this? Knife-a-holics Anonymous?

knife-a-holics anonymous

Maybe it’s because I’m not a Brit, but I find this whole knife thing really bizarre.

Did you know there’s a website called Knifefree?

It’s operated by the UK Home Office and perusing the site, I couldn’t help but feel like I was reading a parody.

“Join millions of young people living knife free.”

What are they doing — snorting the knives?

It sounds like an anti-drug campaign.

Like Knife-a-holics Anonymous.

Here, let me give you just a flavor of this website:

99% of young people in England and Wales live knife free. And, while those that carry often claim to do it to feel safer, carrying a knife can get you into dangerous situations.

Even if you can avoid the violence, there are severe emotional, personal and legal consequences that can come from knife carrying. This site will help you get information on knife carrying, its effects, and how to make the right decisions.

If you carry a knife, it’s never too late to make a positive change in your life. Going knife free takes courage, but the benefits are real. Join the millions of young people who live knife free.

If you’ve considered carrying a knife – or are already carrying – there are things you need to think about. While some people and places make you feel like you need to carry, it’s never worth it.

What the actual hell?

Step One: We admitted we were powerless over knives — that our lives had become unmanageable.

There’s actually a page titled “Get Help & Support” that really does sound like young people are rolling knives into doobies and smoking them.

The sub-head reads: “No one has to go knife free alone.”

Sweet merciful Zeus.

Whether you carry a knife, are thinking about carrying, or are worried about someone you know getting involved with knives – there is help and support available. It can be a tough thing to do, but these resources can help anyone join the millions of young people who live knife free.

So apparently, in the UK, people don’t kill people; knives kill people. And people are just helplessly addicted to those pointy metal bastards.

I wonder if they make a patch for it.

You know who really needs to get help?

The UK Home Office that’s who.

Of course, they also offer heartwarming personal stories of young people who are now living knife-free.

Step Two: Came to believe that the Home Office was greater than ourselves and could restore us to sanity.

Now, I was going to do a satirical take on this, but how the hell can I?

What could I possibly do to make this sound more absurd than it already does?

If there are any Brits reading this post, please explain this to me in the comments section.

Because honestly? This sounds barmy.

I mean, I thought the whole “Cookie Monster on a knife drop-off bin” thing was bizarre.

But an entire website that reads like Knife-a-holics Anonymous?

The UK has crossed over into the realm of total insanity.

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7 thoughts on “What is this? Knife-a-holics Anonymous?

  • April 12, 2018 at 4:09 pm

    “There’s actually a page titled “Get Help & Support” that really does sound like young people are rolling knives into doobies and smoking them.”


  • April 12, 2018 at 5:19 pm

    The bizarre factor is through the roof! 😂😂

  • April 12, 2018 at 10:05 pm

    Wow. I am betting that the fork and spoon will be next to go. The spork will be okay as it is a transutensil.

  • April 13, 2018 at 11:19 am

    I don’t know what made me read this article differently. But if you substitute “masturbation” for “knife-carrying” and “celibate” for “knife-free” it is REALLY hilarious! Try it!

  • April 13, 2018 at 11:41 am

    I will start making up songs about my knife which is a hunting/skinning edge and a half razor sharp glittering piece of loveliness

  • April 15, 2018 at 12:06 am

    I don’t carry a knife. Knives are dangerous. I carry a 9mm.

  • April 16, 2018 at 6:37 pm

    Hi. My name is Jim, and I’m a knifeaholic. It all started with one sweet little pen knife. But it got worse. I used to carry five, sometimes six knives at a time. Then one day, I saw my youngest child making stabbing motions at the cat with a rubber spatula. It was then I realized I needed to get some help….

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