Behind the scenes as Hillary learns the bad news

From the Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service: Thanks to our intrepid reporter, we have this exclusive peek behind the scenes as Hillary Clinton and her close campaign staff learn the bad news about Trump winning the White House.

The following is a transcript of the secretly recorded audio.

Unintelligible yelling and crashing is heard.

HILLARY
Wisconsin?! That motherf*cker won Wisconsin?!

PODESTA
Madam Secretary, not every outlet has called Wisconsin
yet. We don’t know—

HILLARY
Madam President Elect! How many times do I have to tell
you!! It’s Madam President Elect!!!

PODESTA
Of course.

HILLARY
Bad enough I lost Florida, North Carolina and Ohio. But
Wisconsin?!!! Stupid cheese heads! And don’t even get me
started on those ungrateful Cubans and Haitians in Florida!

PODESTA
Madam Sec… um … Madam President Elect, we still are
hoping Pennsylvania turns in our favor.

HILLARY
Well, it damn well better! That asshole Kenney promised
me he’d deliver one hundred percent of Philly! And has he?!

PODESTA
Um. It’s looking more like eighty-two percent.

HILLARY
Eighty-two percent?! Do you mean to tell me eighteen
percent of those idiots in Philly voted for TRUMP?!

PODESTA
I’m afraid so.

HILLARY
Well, what the blazing f*ck is the point of paying those
assholes to organize all that f*cking fraud in Philly if it
doesn’t give me one hundred percent of the vote?!

PODESTA
Well, you still may take Pennsylvania.

HILLARY
Without one hundred percent in Philly?! Are you shitting
me?! You know those yahoos in the rest of the state won’t
vote for me. I need a clean sweep in Philly!

HUMA
Madam President Elect?

HILLARY
Give me some good news, Huma.

HUMA
We’ve managed to convince the news outlets to hold
off calling Pennsylvania. We even convinced CNN and
MSNBC not to call Wisconsin for Trump.

HILLARY
What about Fox?!

HUMA
Well. Fox, uh, they called Wisconsin.

HILLARY
That f*cking Megyn Kelly is such a snake! She
promised me!!!

HUMA
I know. But at least now the optics make it look
like you still have a chance.

HILLARY
Yeah. Fat lot of good optics do me. Jesus Christ! This
was supposed to be a cake-walk! You promised me this
would be a cake-walk! A formality!

NICK MERRILL
Madam Secretary—

Crashing sound is heard.

MERRILL
Sorry. Madam President Elect? Um. I just … uh … we lost—

Shrieking is heard.

MERRILL
–Pennsylvania. Trump has 274. And that doesn’t even
include Arizona, Alaska and Michigan.

More crashing and unintelligible shouting is heard.

PODESTA
Nick, you better get some ice on that.

HILLARY
Where’s the f*cking Secret Service agent who went out to
get me another f*cking case of Grey Goose?!

PODESTA
I sent Robby. I thought it was probably a good idea to keep
the agents here to protect us … er … um … you.

MERRILL
The thing is Madam Sec … um … President Elect. We’re
keeping the press from announcing Pennsylvania, but it
doesn’t matter.

HILLARY
For f*ck’s sake.

NICK
And the problem is, we didn’t prepare a concession speech,
and your supporters are waiting –

HILLARY
You told me I wouldn’t need a concession speech,
John! You promised me!!!!

More loud crashing.

HUMA
You better put some ice on that, John. (whispers) and get
the Diazepam pen.

PODESTA
(whispering)
If we do that, we can’t send her out on stage.

More crashing and smashing is heard.

HUMA
And if we don’t do that and send her on stage? You know
what’ll happen.

Unintelligible yelling and shrieking is heard. The sound of several people running away, doors slamming.

UNKNOWN STAFFER
No! Madam Sec …. I mean … Madam President Elect! Please!
No! I didn’t— Eeeeeeyaaaaaah!!!!

More running and doors slamming.

UNIDENTIFIED SECRET SERVICE AGENT
Madam Secretary, I’m not letting you out of this headlock
until you calm down. Now calm down!

HILLARY
Get your f*cking hands off me. Don’t ever touch me!!!!!!
Who the f*ck do you think you are?! I’m the f*cking
President Elect of the United States!!!!

A struggle is heard.

AGENT
Now! Inject her now!!!

A loud shriek, then silence.

HILLARY
Oh … awwwww. Have I ever told you that you have the
prettiest eyes?! I love you guys. I really really do.

PODESTA
Nick. Get the team together to write the speech. We’ll
hold off until the morning. Have it ready for her to give at
nine-thirty.

HILLARY
(singing)
Hail to the Chief, she’s the Chief and she needs hailing!

HUMA
You better make it ten-thirty.

HILLARY
(singing)
I’m too sexy for my pantsuit. Too sexy for my pantsuit. I’m
so sexy it cute!

PODESTA
I’ll tell the press ten-thirty, but we’ll keep her under wraps
until eleven-thirty.

HUMA
Yeah. Good idea.

HILLARY
(still singing)
Oh yeah, baby, oh yeah I, ohhhhh, oh, yes, I like that
I did not come to play with you hoes, haha

CHERYL MILLS
Sorry to interrupt. But I just got off the phone with the
Saudis.

PODESTA
Dear God.

CHERYL
Yeah. They heard about Trump. Now they want their
money back.

HILLARY
(still singing)
I came to slay, bitch
I like cornbreads and collard greens, bitch
Oh, yes, you besta believe it

HUMA
I think we better take her home.

PODESTA
Use the back way. For God’s sake. Use the back way.

HILLARY
(still singing)
I got a hot sauce in my bag, swag

PODESTA
I’ll go down and tell everybody to go home. You get her out
of here. And, Nick. Get that speech written!

HUMA
Come on, Madam Secretary.

HILLARY
Call me Madam President. I like how that sounds.

TWIDNS CNN

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4 thoughts on “Behind the scenes as Hillary learns the bad news

  • November 9, 2016 at 5:09 pm
    Permalink

    probably wicked accurate! awesome.

  • November 9, 2016 at 5:23 pm
    Permalink

    Stellar performance! The imagery, the players! The drapes! I could see it all!

  • November 20, 2016 at 1:22 pm
    Permalink

    i like to picture her grabbing a handful of that slimy muslims hair and dragging her around the room. and scratching whoever’s in range

Comments are closed.