From the Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service: Thanks to our intrepid reporter, we have this exclusive peek behind the scenes as Hillary Clinton and her close campaign staff learn the bad news about Trump winning the White House.
The following is a transcript of the secretly recorded audio.
Unintelligible yelling and crashing is heard.
Wisconsin?! That motherf*cker won Wisconsin?!
Madam Secretary, not every outlet has called Wisconsin
yet. We don’t know—
Madam President Elect! How many times do I have to tell
you!! It’s Madam President Elect!!!
Bad enough I lost Florida, North Carolina and Ohio. But
Wisconsin?!!! Stupid cheese heads! And don’t even get me
started on those ungrateful Cubans and Haitians in Florida!
Madam Sec… um … Madam President Elect, we still are
hoping Pennsylvania turns in our favor.
Well, it damn well better! That asshole Kenney promised
me he’d deliver one hundred percent of Philly! And has he?!
Um. It’s looking more like eighty-two percent.
Eighty-two percent?! Do you mean to tell me eighteen
percent of those idiots in Philly voted for TRUMP?!
I’m afraid so.
Well, what the blazing f*ck is the point of paying those
assholes to organize all that f*cking fraud in Philly if it
doesn’t give me one hundred percent of the vote?!
Well, you still may take Pennsylvania.
Without one hundred percent in Philly?! Are you shitting
me?! You know those yahoos in the rest of the state won’t
vote for me. I need a clean sweep in Philly!
Madam President Elect?
Give me some good news, Huma.
We’ve managed to convince the news outlets to hold
off calling Pennsylvania. We even convinced CNN and
MSNBC not to call Wisconsin for Trump.
What about Fox?!
Well. Fox, uh, they called Wisconsin.
That f*cking Megyn Kelly is such a snake! She
I know. But at least now the optics make it look
like you still have a chance.
Yeah. Fat lot of good optics do me. Jesus Christ! This
was supposed to be a cake-walk! You promised me this
would be a cake-walk! A formality!
Crashing sound is heard.
Sorry. Madam President Elect? Um. I just … uh … we lost—
Shrieking is heard.
–Pennsylvania. Trump has 274. And that doesn’t even
include Arizona, Alaska and Michigan.
More crashing and unintelligible shouting is heard.
Nick, you better get some ice on that.
Where’s the f*cking Secret Service agent who went out to
get me another f*cking case of Grey Goose?!
I sent Robby. I thought it was probably a good idea to keep
the agents here to protect us … er … um … you.
The thing is Madam Sec … um … President Elect. We’re
keeping the press from announcing Pennsylvania, but it
For f*ck’s sake.
And the problem is, we didn’t prepare a concession speech,
and your supporters are waiting –
You told me I wouldn’t need a concession speech,
John! You promised me!!!!
More loud crashing.
You better put some ice on that, John. (whispers) and get
the Diazepam pen.
If we do that, we can’t send her out on stage.
More crashing and smashing is heard.
And if we don’t do that and send her on stage? You know
Unintelligible yelling and shrieking is heard. The sound of several people running away, doors slamming.
No! Madam Sec …. I mean … Madam President Elect! Please!
No! I didn’t— Eeeeeeyaaaaaah!!!!
More running and doors slamming.
Madam Secretary, I’m not letting you out of this headlock
until you calm down. Now calm down!
Get your f*cking hands off me. Don’t ever touch me!!!!!!
Who the f*ck do you think you are?! I’m the f*cking
President Elect of the United States!!!!
A struggle is heard.
Now! Inject her now!!!
A loud shriek, then silence.
Oh … awwwww. Have I ever told you that you have the
prettiest eyes?! I love you guys. I really really do.
Nick. Get the team together to write the speech. We’ll
hold off until the morning. Have it ready for her to give at
Hail to the Chief, she’s the Chief and she needs hailing!
You better make it ten-thirty.
I’m too sexy for my pantsuit. Too sexy for my pantsuit. I’m
so sexy it cute!
I’ll tell the press ten-thirty, but we’ll keep her under wraps
Yeah. Good idea.
Oh yeah, baby, oh yeah I, ohhhhh, oh, yes, I like that
I did not come to play with you hoes, haha
Sorry to interrupt. But I just got off the phone with the
Yeah. They heard about Trump. Now they want their
I came to slay, bitch
I like cornbreads and collard greens, bitch
Oh, yes, you besta believe it
I think we better take her home.
Use the back way. For God’s sake. Use the back way.
I got a hot sauce in my bag, swag
I’ll go down and tell everybody to go home. You get her out
of here. And, Nick. Get that speech written!
Come on, Madam Secretary.
Call me Madam President. I like how that sounds.
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