Behind the scenes of the Las Vegas debate

The Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service has this report from behind the scenes of the Las Vegas debate.

While all the other journalists were busy playing blackjack, Dianny, intrepid reporter, discovered all the candidates gathered together for lunch. Here is her report.

Behind the Scenes of the Las Vegas Debate

Exclusive from the Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service

WOLF BLITZER
Gentlemen and ladies. Thank you for coming. As you all know, this
luncheon is an informal gathering to allow you all to chat, not only
with each other but with your moderators for tonight’s debate. I will
be overseeing lunch along with Dana Bash, chief political correspondent
for CNN and Hugh Hewitt of our radio partner Salem National — the
token sort-of conservative moderator chosen specifically for his
disdain of Donald Trump. Now, before we begin this informal luncheon,
let’s take your lunch orders. We’ll begin with you, Mr. Trump. What
would you like for lunch today.

DONALD TRUMP
Well, Wolf. Lunch is absolutely important. It is the most important
meal of the day–

WOLF BLITZER
Now, actually, Mr. Trump, we all know breakfast is the most important
meal of the day.

TRUMP
Yes. Breakfast is yuge. But we have a problem in this country.
We don’t make great lunches anymore. And I will order the best
lunch. There will be no lunch better than mine.

WOLF BLITZER
So, what are you ordering, sir?

TRUMP
This lunch will have the best bread and the best meat. Condiments
like you’ve — terrific condiments, full of flavor and bite … but
not so flavorful as to drown out the flavor of the meat or the bread.
And cheese. Absolutely unbelievable cheese.

WOLF BLITZER
So you’re having a sandwich?

TRUMP
I will be having an absolutely incredible sandwich. I’m going to
make lunch great again.

JOHN KASICH
Wolf? Wolf?

WOLF BLITZER
We’ll get to you Mr. Kasich. I’m still trying to figure out what
kind of sandwich Mr. Trump is ordering.

TRUMP
A terrific sandwich. The best sandwich.

WOLF BLITZER
Tell you what. We’ll get back to you Mr. Trump. Dana?

DANA BASH
Senator Cruz. Marco Rubio has said that you eat nothing but Snicker’s
bars for lunch. Can you comment on that?

TED CRUZ
Well, Dana. I realize that Senator Rubio is spending a great deal
of time trying to misrepresent my eating habits. And in this case,
he is once again misinformed. While it is true that I enjoy a Snicker’s
bar at lunch, I have never simply had a Snicker’s bar for my lunch.
My lunch always begins with a bowl of asparagus and cheese soup
accompanied by a ham sandwich on rye bread with a little Dijon
mustard. I have been known to eat a Cobb salad on occasion, but
only with dressing on the side.

DANA BASH
Senator Rubio?

MARCO RUBIO
Dana, the problem with Senator Cruz is his inconsistency. Just
listen to what he said here. Sometimes soup? Sometimes a salad?
How can you expect him to be consistent in his lunch order when
his choices have been all over the map.

DANA BASH
What would you like for lunch, Senator Rubio?

RUBIO
Well, I can tell you I certainly don’t want a Snicker’s bar.

CRUZ
Marco. Marco. There you go again. You have got to stop with these
Alinsky tactics. I just explained that my lunches have never consisted
solely of a Snicker’s bar. You are flatly incorrect in this accusation,
you have been proven incorrect in this accusation.

TRUMP
Marco’s probably going to order a Cuban sandwich.

WOLF BLITZER
Mr. Trump. There’s no cross-talk here, please.

RUBIO
Since Mr. Trump mentioned me, I’d like to continue if I could. I would
like a roast beef and Swiss on soft rye with a side of potato chips and
three bottles of Aquafina.

WOLF BLITZER
Governor Bush?

JEB! BUSH
¿Puedo tener un taco?

TRUMP
Can you believe this guy? We’re in Las Vegas, Jeb. Not Juárez.
Speak English. Unbelievable.

JEB!
You know, you can’t insult your way to a lunch order, Donald. I know
you think you can, but you can’t.

TRUMP
You’re just acting like that because my sandwich is the greatest
sandwich and you’re just getting a taco.

WOLF BLITZER
Mr. Trump, speaking of your sandwich, what were you getting?

TRUMP
Wolf. My sandwich is going to be the best sandwich in the history of
lunch. The meat — let me tell you — the meat will be the finest,
leanest cuts of meat. The bread, thick and soft with nice crispy crust.
Absolutely terrific.

KASICH
Wolf? Wolf? May I —

WOLF BLITZER
We’re almost to your order, Governor Kasich. We’ve got a lot of
orders to take.

KASICH
But Wolf. I’ve been waiting here and nobody has asked me what I
want for lunch.

WOLF BLITZER
Fine. Governor Kasich, your lunch order?

KASICH
Back when I was in the Congress — you know, when I helped balance
the budget, and Wolf, I had some of the best lunches at the cafeteria
of the Congressional building. The Democrats fought me relentlessly
over it, but I was successful in having all pork removed from the
menu. And let me just say, that if baloney and Kraft Singles American
cheese on Wonder Bread was good enough for my mailman father, then by
golly, it’s good enough for me!

WOLF BLITZER
Hugh?

HUGH HEWITT
Dr. Carson. You are known to be a brilliant pediatric neuro-patho-
geno-ologistic surgeon.

DR. CARSON
Actually, we just call it “Neurosurgeon.”

HUGH HEWITT
Yeah. Whatever. But you’re a very subdued and spiritual man. Do
you think you have the capacity to make the hard decisions to choose
what you would eat for lunch?

DR. CARSON
Well, Hugh. I don’t believe you need to be a brain surgeon to figure
out what you want to eat. It only takes common sense. An appetite.
And the ability to speak. I think I’ll have a Philly Cheese Steak with
a side order of fries. And a strawberry milkshake.

HUGH HEWITT
Are you sure you want to go with a strawberry milkshake, Dr. Carson?

DR. CARSON
[pause] Yes.

HUGH HEWITT
Oookay. If that’s what you want.

WOLF BLITZER
Dana?

DANA BASH
Ms. Fiorina? Your lunch order?

CARLY FIORINA
You know, this is why the American people are sick and tired of the
process. I’ve been keeping track here, Dana, and we have spent the
last ten minutes discussing lunches. Lunches! Lunch isn’t going to
balance the budget. Lunch isn’t going to bring Putin in line. And
I’ve met Putin. And I can tell you, Putin is not impressed with these
lunch orders. Lunch isn’t going to defeat Hillary Clinton in November.
We need leadership, not lunch. Would Margaret Thatcher order lunch?!

DANA BASH
Well, maybe she would have at lunch time. Ms. Fiorina. We’ll talk
about Putin tonight. For now, it’s lunch time. So we’re talking
about lunch orders.

CARLY FIORINA
I’ll have a chicken breast and avocado sandwich with sprouts. On
freshly baked, gluten free sourdough bread. And a bottle of Orangina.

WOLF BLITZER
Senator Paul. You’ve heard the other lunch orders thus far. What
would you like to eat.

RAND PAUL
The problem we’re having here is the privacy of our lunch orders is
not being respected. In fact, we’re being spied on even as we speak.
I see a reporter hiding up there in the balcony.

DIANNY
Cleaning lady! No speaka English.

JEB!
Bienvenido, señora. Almorzar con nosotros!

TRUMP
Can you believe this guy? You think this debate is hosted by
Telemundo? What a joke.

JEB!
Are you insulting my wife again, Donald?

TRUMP
No, Jeb. I’m insulting you. And maybe Telemundo which is a joke.

JEB!
There he goes again. All Mr. Trump does is attack.

WOLF BLITZER
Gentlemen, please. Senator Paul? Your lunch order.

PAUL
Well, I can tell you I won’t be placing my order for lunch in a
boorish and loud way like Mr. Trump.

TRUMP
Well, I’m at forty-one percent and you’re at one percent. So
whatever Rand is having, I should be given a lunch that’s forty-one
times the size of his.

WOLF BLITZER
Mr. Trump. Please let Senator Paul finish.

PAUL
Wolf, I won’t be telling you what I want to eat. I’ll just sneak
out and find some food which I will eat in the privacy of my room
where none of you can see what I’m having.

WOLF BLITZER
Dana?

DANA BASH
Senator Christie? Your order?

CHRIS CHRISTIE
Seriously, you guys. You took forever to get to me. My blood sugar
is crashing. I was about ready to eat this podium. Just order two
of everything everyone else is getting and give the second of each
order to me.

DANA BASH
That much? Really?

CHRIS CHRISTIE
Tick tock, Dana. My blood sugar isn’t getting any better.

DANA BASH
Okay. One of everything they’re having. Got it.

CHRIS CHRISTIE
And a Diet Coke.

WOLF BLITZER
Gentlemen and lady, thank you for placing your lunch orders. We
will take a short break and when we return, we’ll all eat.

KASICH
Wolf? Wolf?

WOLF BLITZER
Governor Kasich, we’re going to take a break–

KASICH
But Trump still hasn’t told us what he would order for lunch. And it
is exactly this kind of ordering that is the problem we’re having in
this campaign. When I was in the Congress, I always told the cafeteria
lady exactly what I wanted to eat for lunch. And Mr. Trump here still
hasn’t told us what he’s ordering.

TRUMP
John, nobody cares what you think. You’re polling somewhere around
zero. Go back to Ohio.

JEB!
Donald. You aren’t going to insult your way through this lunch.
Maybe you should stop attacking everyone else’s order when you
clearly are unable to order for yourself.

TRUMP
Jeb. Jeb. Jeb. Why don’t you order a Red Bull to go along with
that taco. Maybe it will help you with your energy problem.

WOLF BLITZER
Mr. Trump. Governors Kasich and Bush are correct. You haven’t
yet told us what you want for lunch.

TRUMP
I believe lunch is the most important meal of the day–

WOLF BLITZER
Yes, we’ve gone over that. But what do you want for lunch.

TRUMP
I’ll tell you what Wolf. Just bring a bunch of different kinds of
breads and meat, plus cheeses and condiments. And I’m going to build
the best sandwich myself. it’s going to be the biggest, tastiest
sandwich. There won’t be any other sandwich like it.

WOLF BLITZER
You want us to bring in a bunch of breads and toppings and you’ll
make your own?

TRUMP
Yes. It’s what I do. I build terrific things! Amazing things.
And I will build the best sandwich. It will be terrific. Awesome
sandwich. And it’ll hit the spot. It will hit the spot like no
other sandwich before it.

HUGH HEWITT
If I may, Wolf? Mr. Trump. What kinds of bread? What I’m asking
is, do you know the popular bread of India and Pakistan? And can
you tell me, Mr. Trump, is Barbari bread from Iran or Italy?

TRUMP
I’ll be having American bread, Hugh. American bread. Maybe some
rye. Or pumpernickel. A nice bialy. Like the kind of breads I get
at that terrific deli near my office.

WOLF BLITZER
You know what? Let’s just order the lunches, and Mr. Trump can
have a bite off of everyone else’s lunch.

RUBIO
But not Ted’s Snicker’s bar. Senator Cruz is obsessed with his
Snicker’s bar. He won’t share it with anybody.

CRUZ
[sigh]

WOLF BLITZER
All right. We’ll be right back with lunch after this break.

Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service

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3 thoughts on “Behind the scenes of the Las Vegas debate

  • December 17, 2015 at 9:45 am
    Permalink

    The transcription provided by the WIDNS of Tuesday’s debate is verbatim to what I heard and probably, since Bowling for Dollars was preempted, what most Americans heard. You nailed it brilliantly!

  • December 17, 2015 at 9:55 am
    Permalink

    There is truth in them thar samiches. We are in a pickle here. Where is the SPAM? We need to cull the herd a bit.

  • December 17, 2015 at 11:23 am
    Permalink

    This is the best laugh I’ve had in weeks!

Comments are closed.