[This is an exclusive report from the Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service] In an effort to minimize the number of blow-ups and flip-outs on the campaign trail, the Biden Campaign began testing a new Behavior Modification Helmet.
According to sources within the Biden camp, this Behavior Modification Helmet sends a mild electric shock directly into former Vice President Biden’s brain whenever he begins to lose his cool.
“We’ve tried a number of devices before we settled on the helmet,” said a source who spoke with us on the condition of anonymity. “At first, we went with your basic Taser. But since Joe has a tendency to make physical contact with the person he’s attacking, we ended up zapping, not just Joe, but also the target of his attack.”
When the Taser approach failed, the campaign hired a crack team of behavior modification experts from Acme University to develop a wearable device that did not result in collateral damage.
“The testicle attachment was a disaster,” our source said. “Let’s just say it didn’t have the desired effect. After several test runs, we began to notice that Joe seemed to increase his aggression and name-calling. Finally, our team of experts realized he was trying to get zapped.”
But after Tuesday’s incident with the auto worker, the Acme University Team was urged to find a solution quickly. By Thursday, they settled on the Behavior Modification Helmet.
“Sure, it’s clunky,” our source admitted, “and it seems to increase the number of times Joe hits his head on the car door. But we’ve gotta do something!”
In “Possible Flip-Out Scenarios” staged by the behavior modification experts, Biden’s combativeness was quelled by the helmet.
“It’s not fool-proof,” our source explained. “Sometimes we have to zap him two, three times before he settles down. They definitely have some kinks to work out. For example, the drool. There’s lots and lots of drool. Not to mention the whole ‘sphincter release’ problem.”
One of the behavior modification experts agreed to speak with us provided we altered his voice and put a dot over his face. We explained he was being interviewed for print only and that wasn’t necessary. In the end, he answered our questions willingly, but insisted on holding a legal pad over his face and altering his own voice by speaking like Louis Armstrong.
“Of course the helmet is clunky,” he explained. “We needed more time!”*
[* The Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service has adjusted his quotes – removing his intermittent injection of the lyrics from “What a Wonderful World.”]
“We’re still trying to modify the device to make it smaller. But the campaign people were really pushing us to get it done now — just in case the DNC doesn’t cancel Sunday’s debate. In the meantime, we’re working night and day to develop a behavior modification device that fits easily on a pair of Aviator sunglasses.”
It is unclear at this time if the DNC will permit Biden to wear the Behavior Modification Helmet at Sunday’s debate. Our repeated requests for comment went unanswered.
The Sanders campaign, on the other hand, was furious.
Sanders surrogate Rashida Tlaib responded to our request for comment saying, “That Mother*&<er better not &*(@%$^ or else we’ll $#%&(*$(^*[email protected]!”
We have forwarded Ms. Tlaib’s phone number to the Acme University behavior modification experts to see if they can do anything to help the poor gal.
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