BREAKING: Hasbro to change its name to Has-Sibling

BREAKING: Hasbro to change its name to Has-Sibling

From the Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service: In an effort to be inclusionary, toy maker Hasbro will be changing its name to Has-Sibling in the coming months.

“We believe in combatting transphobia wherever it might be lurking,” a Hasbro spokesperson explained after dutifully providing us with xis preferred pronouns.

“Bro is cis-gendered and exclusionary. We all know that. And we could not in good conscience hurl this transphobic word in the faces of children.”

Hasbro disputed yesterday’s report that they would be stripping Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head of their genders. But the story, while inaccurate, did prompt the 98-year-old company to do some soul-searching over its own intrinsic transphobic identity.

“Sure, Hasbro is just a shortening of Hassenfeld Brothers,” the spokesperson explained. “But ‘brother’ is problematic. Had the Hassenfelds understood the harmful hate speech inherent in the word ‘Brothers’ back in 1923, we are certain they would have called the company Hassenfeld Siblings.”

The Hasbro spokesperson went on to call the company name a “slap in the face” to those young children whose parents decided their identities are fluid.

“Besides, it isn’t the first time we changed our name,” the spokesperson said. “We went from Hassenfeld Brothers to Hasbro in 1968. I doubt changing to Has-Sibling will make any waves.”

When asked about problematic toys like “Action Man” or “G.I. Joe,” the Hasbro spokesperson skirted the issue entirely and pointed out the gender neutral “Hungry, Hungry Hippos.”

“Though, to be fair,” the spokesperson conceded, “We are concerned that ‘Hungry, Hungry Hippos’ might be considered fat shaming. So we’ve created a fat-positivity panel to review this.”

The first game to be released under the new “Has-Sibling” name will be a modernized version of their classic game “Operation” called “Transition” – where players attempt to remove problematic genitalia from a cartoon cis male without making his nose light up.

“It’s a work in progress,” the spokesperson explained.

The Has-Sibling name change is set to take effect on April 1, 2021.

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4 thoughts on “BREAKING: Hasbro to change its name to Has-Sibling

  • February 26, 2021 at 9:28 am

    You sure this isn’t the Babylon Bee???? 🙂

  • February 26, 2021 at 11:11 am

    This is definitely not satire.
    Wouldn’t Mr. Potato Head be considered a gender inclusive toy because you could morph the potato into a female or whatever your imagination sets it up to be?

    This is a serious way to combat gender inclusiveness? How about donate money to charity for starving children in Uganda?

  • February 27, 2021 at 9:08 am

    We have encountered this silliness in our own family, where one of our adult kids has told us that they are non-binary and when asked, told us that her preferred pronouns are they, them, theirs. Incapable of remembering all the transfigurations and rules of her “changes” these past 10+ years (heterosexual/ lesbian/ bisexual/ asexual/ poly something/ non-binary), I told her that I would continue to use female pronouns for her, and when I could remember to do so, would refer to her as the very agrammatical “thems” just for fun. You see, grammar has always been a major part of my career. I’m kind of touchy about parts of speech, so these new pronouns really grate on my nerves. Her sister piped up that she prefers the chocolate sauce pronouns, “her/she” (Hershey). At least we can laugh our way through our deep sadness over her craziness. Meanwhile, she and the rest of the working world are now attending trainings on using correct pronouns while at work. Just this week, her managers during the training expressed their preferred pronouns and then the workers did the same. The managers must begin using workers’ preferred pronouns by July 1st in our state or face retribution. Please explain to me why the 99% must change their speech for the 1%?

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