Democrats discover their nominee sucks

There’s kind of an unintentionally funny article over at The Hill today.

It seems Senate Democrats, having discovered when it comes to running for President, their nominee sucks, have decided to give her a little last-minute advice to improve her electoral chances.

Relax a little Hillary. Show the voters your heart. Be a little more approachable.

Of course, to achieve all that, they would have to advise her to get a full personality transplant.

That might be tricky what with the election less than two months away.

I imagine the recovery time for that kind of procedure would be six months – a year tops.

Or, maybe these disappointed Democrats are hoping Hillary will go to bed tonight and get visited by three spirits.

Hey, it worked for Scrooge!

The Ghost of Elections Past can take her back and show her all the venal and horrible things she has done to claw her way to power. From Rose Law Firm to the Arkansas Governor’s mansion all the way up to Hillary’s incompetent tenure as Secretary of State.

He’ll make sure to give her a good look at the lives she ruined, the people she destroyed. Maybe he’ll even take her to the diplomatic compound in Benghazi where she can stand in the thick black smoke and listen to Chris Stevens coughing through his last breath.

Then, the Ghost of Elections Present can let Hillary see all the excited and enthusiastic crowds going to see Donald Trump. He can take her to watch as Hillary’s campaign workers attempt to commit voter registration fraud.

Then, he will show her a mining town in West Virginia. Sure the people are struggling, their mines are closing, but the excitement for Donald Trump can’t be denied. Hillary can hear them talk about how they like Trump because he speaks for them. He gets to the heart of the issues that matter to them.

Then, the Ghost of Elections Present will take her to see a sparsely-populated high school gymnasium where the Clinton Campaign advance team is trying to figure out if they need to pay actors to come and fill the place up on the night of the rally.

Before he leaves her, he opens his robes and shows Hillary two emaciated children who cling to him. He’ll tell her:

“This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware them both, but most of all beware this boy, for on his brow I see written the word Doom, unless the writing be wiped out.”

Hillary will probably say something stupid like, “Wiped out? You mean like with a cloth?”

Then the Ghost of Elections Present will leave her standing alone in the dark.

Finally, the Ghost of Elections Future will arrive.

Hillary grudgingly touches his robe and they get whisked to Washington DC. As Hillary stands in front of the White House, she sees Donald Trump walking outside. He opens the door to the Oval Office and steps inside.

Hillary is beside herself with rage. “I lost?!” She asks the Ghost. “That can’t be!”

The Ghost of Elections Future doesn’t answer her.

“Where am I?!” She shrieks. “Show me! Take me to where I am!”

The Ghost of Elections Future takes her to a prison. His skeletal hand points to a cell, but Hillary doesn’t want to see it.

nominee-sucks

He points again, and Hillary stumbles forward and gazes between the bars.

And there, lying on the bed in an orange prison jumpsuit is none other than Hillary Clinton. Her hair, no longer dyed, is greyish white. Without the thick layer of Maybelline obscuring her wizened, wrinkled face and hollowed eyes, she looks ancient.

Seeing herself in such a state is too much for her. Hillary lets out a blood-curdling shriek which then turns into a coughing fit.

The Ghost of Elections Future hands her a glass of water and stands there silently as Hillary coughs herself unconscious.

When she wakes up, Hillary is back home in her bed.

Now, at this point in the story, Senate Democrats are hoping Hillary will realize the error of her ways, and become a kinder and gentler candidate.

But come one, people.

This is Hillary Clinton we’re talking about.

If I had to guess, I’d say she would stumble out of bed, get on the phone to one of her fixers and demand that they track down those three son-of-a-bitch spirits and kill them.

“Only, make it *cough* look like a *cough* suicide, okay?”

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