Whelp. It’s Saturday. And you know what that means. Barack Obama made his weekly address.
To save you the agony of watching his waxy face lie into the camera, I have dutifully provided you with the transcript.
Naturally, I included all the much-needed subtext.
WEEKLY ADDRESS: A Comprehensive, Long-Term Deal with Iran
This week, the United States and our international partners finally achieved something that decades of animosity has not – a deal that will prevent Iran from obtaining a nuclear weapon.
Who knew the ingredient that was missing from decades of animosity was completely surrendering to the enemy? Amazing what you can accomplish when you cave.
This deal will make America and the world safer and more secure.
How do I know? Because I got the Supreme Leader to pinky-swear.
Still, you’re going to hear a lot of overheated and often dishonest arguments about it in the weeks ahead.
With the most dishonest stuff coming from me.
So today, I want to take a moment to take those on one by one, and explain what this deal does and what it means.
So, buckle up, folks. Here come the lies:
First, you’ll hear some critics argue that this deal somehow makes it easier for Iran to obtain a nuclear weapon. Now, if you think it sounds strange that the United States, Great Britain, France, Germany, Russia, China, and some of the world’s best nuclear scientists would agree to something like that, you’re right.
Mostly because France, Germany, Russia and China didn’t give a damn about the nuclear weapons. They just wanted the economic shot in the arm that getting rid of the sanctions will provide. Of course Great Britain will do whatever I say because Cameron is my personal butt monkey.
This deal actually closes off Iran’s pathway to a nuclear weapon.
If you’re counting, that’s lie number one.
Today, Iran has enough nuclear material to produce up to 10 nuclear weapons. With this deal, they’ll have to ship 98% of that material out of the country – leaving them with a fraction of what it takes to make even one weapon.
But, thanks to removing the sanctions, I’m sure the Chinese and Russians will be falling all over themselves to sell them the nuclear material they need to get that number back up.
With this deal, they’ll have to repurpose two key nuclear facilities so they can’t produce materials that could be used for a nuclear weapon.
Of course there’s no way for us to make sure they do that, but, like I said, I got a pinky-swear from the Supreme Leader.
So this deal actually pushes Iran further away from a bomb. And there’s a permanent prohibition on Iran ever having a nuclear weapon.
If you’re counting, that’s lie number two.
Second, you might hear from critics that Iran could just ignore what’s required and do whatever they want. That they’re inevitably going to cheat. Well, that’s wrong, too.
Okay, lie number three.
With this deal, we will have unprecedented, 24/7 monitoring of Iran’s key nuclear facilities.
Wow, already at lie number four!
With this deal, international inspectors will have access to Iran’s entire nuclear supply chain.
Did you catch that? Lie number five!
The verification process set up by this deal is comprehensive and it is intrusive…
Holy smokes! Lie number six!
…precisely so we can make sure Iran keeps its commitments.
Sure, we’re giving Iran 24 days to prepare for these visits, but, again, Pinky-Swear!!!
Third, you might hear from critics that Iran faces no consequences if it violates this deal. That’s also patently false.
And if anybody knows about what is patently false, it’s me! Because, that’s lie number seven!
If Iran violates this deal, the sanctions we imposed that have helped cripple the Iranian economy – the sanctions that helped make this deal possible – would snap back into place promptly.
Of course, we have no guarantees that nations like Russia and China will honor the snap-back. Because once the sanctions are removed and they start raking in dough from being able to sell stuff to Iran, chances are, they’re not going to want to turn off the honey pot. And, let’s face it. Iran got enough nuclear material for ten bombs when there were sanctions, so trying to snap the sanctions back in place won’t make a bit of difference. But pay no attention to these facts.
There’s a reason this deal took so long to negotiate.
Mostly because Iran kept demanding concessions and we kept giving in. And the more we gave in, the more they demanded, and the more we had to give in.
Because we refused to accept a bad deal.
Lookie there! Lie number eight!
We held out for a deal that met every one of our bottom lines. And we got it.
We got it alright. Right in the anus.
Does this deal resolve all of the threats Iran poses to its neighbors and the world? No.
Mostly because it won’t stop Iran from getting a nuclear weapon.
Does it do more than anyone has done before to make sure Iran does not obtain a nuclear weapon? Yes.
Lie number nine!
And that was our top priority from the start.
Not really. Our top priority has been to make sure Iran can gain hegemony over the Middle East. At least that’s what Valerie said. I didn’t know what hegemony meant and had to look it up in the dictionary. But when I did, I thought, damn straight!
That’s why it’s in everyone’s best interest to make sure this deal holds. Because without this deal, there would be no limits on Iran’s nuclear program.
We hit lie number ten and I’m not even through!
There would be no monitoring, no inspections. The sanctions we rallied the world to impose would unravel.
And now they don’t have to unravel because we’re gonna lift them!
Iran could move closer to a nuclear weapon.
Which, they’ll still do, only this time, they’ll do it with the help of Russia and China.
Other countries in the region might race to do the same.
Which, they are already threatening to do because of this deal, but don’t sweat the details, folks.
And we’d risk another war in the most volatile region in the world. That’s what would happen without this deal.
How do I know? Because I’m friggin’ Nostradamus.
On questions of war and peace, we should have tough, honest, serious debates.
Yes to tough, honest, serious debates, but no to a strategy.
We’ve seen what happens when we don’t.
Like bailing on Iraq, completely destabilizing Libya, making a mess of Egypt. Sure. I’m responsible for all that, but really, you can trust me on this Iran thing.
That’s why this deal is online for the whole world to see. I welcome all scrutiny.
But if anybody tries to stop me, heaven help you.
I fear no questions.
Except from Major Garrett.
As Commander-in-Chief, I make no apology for keeping this country safe and secure through the hard work of diplomacy over the easy rush to war.
Mostly because I’m not keeping this country safe and secure, so what do I have to apologize for?
And on Tuesday, I’ll continue to press this case when I address the national convention of the Veterans of Foreign Wars.
Yeah. I know what you’re thinking. Why the hell would Veterans want to hear from me?
Because nobody understands the true cost of war better than those who’ve actually served in this country’s uniform.
Allah knows I don’t have a clue.
We have before us an historic opportunity to pursue a safer, more secure world for our children.
And you can count on me to make a royal mess of it.
It might not come around again in our lifetimes.
At least not while I’m president.
That’s why we’re going to seize it today – and keep America a beacon of hope, liberty, and leadership for generations to come.
A beacon of surrender is more like it. So I guess you can count that as lie number eleven.
Thank you, and have a great weekend.
Okay, that makes my lies an even dozen because I don’t give a shit what kind of weekend you have.
If you like the work at Patriot Retort, please consider contributing
Hit the tip jar DONATE button in the side bar. Even a few bucks can make a world of difference!
Books by Dianny:
RANT 2.0: Even More Politics & Snark in the Age of Obama,
Liberals Gone WILD!!! The Not-So-Silent Conquering of America,
RANT: Politics & Snark in the Age of Obama,
and two novels: Sliding Home Feet First and Under the Cloud