The European Terror Attack Emergency Kit

From the Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service: Reports from the State Department confirm that the rise in terror-related attacks in Europe are leaving the Obama Administration stymied. Some within the State Department are saying that President Obama blames John Kerry for refusing to deploy their European Terror Attack Emergency Kit.

“Secretary Kerry has been reticent to bring out the big guns,” said one State Department source. “And now President Obama thinks that was an error in judgment on his part.”

When asked what this Emergency Kit consisted of, the source was unwilling to go into specifics.

“I can only tell you that the last time we deployed the Emergency Kit was in Paris.”

Is it the belief of the State Department that making use of this supposed ‘Emergency Kit’ would have prevented the terrorist attacks in Brussels, Nice and now Munich?

“Probably not,” says the source. “But the objective of the Obama State Department isn’t to prevent terrorist attacks, but to show we really care. And in that respect, the ‘Emergency Kit’ would have gone a long way in doing that.”

The source refused to answer our repeated questions as to why the Administration doesn’t want to actually help prevent attacks. However, he did angrily say, “You don’t get it, do you?! Our objective has always been the same. To give the impression of being supportive without ever having to, you know, do anything!”

Upon further investigation, the Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service has uncovered the details of what the European Terror Attack Emergency Kit entails. From what we can determine, the source is correct. It will not do one damn thing to prevent future terrorist attacks in Western Europe. It will, however, help give John Kerry the opportunity to live out a fantasy from his youth — that of hobnobbing with famous singers from the 1960s — while looking like he cares.

European Terror Attack Emergency Kit

Sources confirm that Secretary Kerry’s staff is busily translating the lyrics to “You’ve Got a Friend” and “Fire and Rain” into not only French, but German as well.

“We may also translate them into Arabic,” said another source. “You know. Out of fairness.”

Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service

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6 thoughts on “The European Terror Attack Emergency Kit

  • July 23, 2016 at 7:23 pm
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    Did not Imama Kerry just tell us that refrigerators and air conditioners are far more deadly then ISIS? Thanks to Imama Kerry I am now aware that my refrigerator may start yelling “aloha askabar” and blow up. To counter its deadly effect I now wear body armor when approaching it and opening its doors. I have also bolted it to the floor so it cant run around the neighborhood and self detonate in a group of unsuspecting innocents. And you say their only plan is to give an impression of caring!

  • July 24, 2016 at 6:46 am
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    And a twatter hashtag. Must.not.forget.teh.hashtag.

  • July 24, 2016 at 2:30 pm
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    Hahahahahah! Great image.

    He was already crappy 40 years ago, same goes for Kerry. Some things never change.

Comments are closed.