EXCLUSIVE: California secessionists choose Hillary to be queen

From the Wildly Inaccurate Dianny New Service: A group of secessionists submitted a formal request for the state of California to secede from the United States.

In their effort to sweeten the pot, the group “Calexit” has proposed making failed Presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton Queen of the Socialista República de California.

“We know that Hillary Clinton won the popular vote because of California alone,” Calexit spokesperson Liberella Analaché told us in this exclusive interview.

“Secretary Clinton received three million, four hundred and forty-six thousand more votes than Donald Trump here in California,” Analaché said. “If it weren’t for us, she would have lost not only the Electoral College, but the popular vote as well.”

“And if the United States of America refuses to appoint Secretary Clinton President of the United States, then we are more than happy to have her come and rule over us.”

Analaché is certain installing Hillary Clinton as queen will all but guarantee the Calexit movement’s success.

“We all love her here,” Analaché continued. “Well, except for those three million, nine hundred and sixteen thousand, two hundred and nine racist Klansmen who voted for Trump.”

The one concern the Calexit movement has is Hillary’s advancing age and declining health.

Since the secession initiative will not appear on the ballot until 2019, there are some within the movement that worry Secretary Clinton will no longer be a viable choice for queen.

“As amazing as she would be as queen, the truth is, Secretary Clinton may not make it to 2019,” Analaché admits.

However, the concern is a minor one.

“Henry the Eighth ruled England when he was fat and couldn’t walk,” Analaché added.

By creating the Clinton royal family, Analaché is certain if Hillary is not well enough to ascend to the throne by 2019, Chelsea will be a more than adequate replacement.

“And after a Queen Chelsea,” Analaché pointed out, “the Princess Charlotte will be next in line.”

The Clinton line, however, will only pass from one woman to another. Male offspring will have no claim to the throne.

“Unless they transition to female,” Analaché added.

So confident are the secessionists that this movement will be embraced by the current residents of the state, they have already created their future nation’s flag.


The Calexit movement will push for the capital of the Socialista República de California to be moved from Sacramento to San Francisco.

“But the name goes!” Analaché added. “You think we want a capital city named after Saint Francis? No way! The capital of our new nation will be named Rodham-on-the-Bay.”

Sacramento will also gain a new name: “Sacrawomento.”

Plans are already underway to convert the former Alcatraz Prison to the royal estates. Since California’s secession cannot happen until 2019, the plan is to begin palace construction as soon as possible so that it is ready once the state votes to secede.

“You should see the blueprints!” Analaché exclaimed. “Queen Hillary’s palace will rival Versailles! Except better! It’ll have its own hospital and oxygen tank. And no steps! It’ll only have handicap ramps.”

Analaché scoffed at concerns that the secession vote does not go the way Calexit hopes.

“Trust me. It’ll happen. We plan to make undocumented immigrants vote for it in exchange for granting them full citizenship.”

The Calexit movement is stuck on what to name their new currency. Calling it “Clinton cash” seemed problematic. For now, all they can agree on is that every denomination note will include the face of Hillary Clinton.

And possibly Chelsea and Charlotte.

“We will put Bill on our equivalent of the penny,” Analaché interjected. “But nothing more. Male privilege will be a thing of the past in the Socialista República de California.”

When asked what the Calexit movement plans to do with the areas of California that went for Donald Trump in the election, Analaché was vague.

“We haven’t decided as yet,” she said. “It’s possible we’ll deport them to the US. Or we may just force them into subjugation. It’ll depend on a lot of things. Like if they own guns. Or if we don’t have anybody available who knows how to farm.”

Asked what they would do if the people in red-leaning portions of California refuse to stay, Analaché laughed.

“Trust me. Once they have a taste of the utopian paradise we’ll create under the eternal reign of the House of Clinton, they’ll change their mind.”

“And if they don’t,” she added, “they might find themselves having a little … accident.”

We attempted to get the Clinton camp’s response to the Calexit plans, however our requests for interviews were ignored.


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3 thoughts on “EXCLUSIVE: California secessionists choose Hillary to be queen

  • November 23, 2016 at 6:32 pm

    Steven Colbert can be her court jester. Him or D’OHbermann.

  • November 23, 2016 at 8:13 pm

    Being born in Oregon before I realized the error of my ways and moved to Texas, I can positively affirm that if we fail to FORCE Californicatia to secede we will experience creeping Cal-lunacy infesting the rest of our fair nation. Therefore, I suggest we petition our incoming president to forcibly make them make good on their petty little threat. I say “petty little threat” because in the twisted state commonly known as Californicatia that’s all they’re capable of making (usually accompanied by red faced foot stomping). Then we could actually bill them for all the Colorado river water they’re stealing. It’s a win-win all around!

  • November 24, 2016 at 8:33 pm

    If California leaves the USA, I’m moving to Idaho. I’m not living under a King or a Queens. We have plenty of Queens in this state & not all of us want that bit ch here. Californians who think the people in this state can make it without the Federal funding from Washington are morons. How much more in taxes can we pay? Do you expect to get the money from all those “stars” who threatened to move if Trump was elected. Yea, we see how truthful they are. Are they going to take care of you? Uh huh! LOL!

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