Exclusive from the Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service: We have managed to obtain excerpts from “Rode Hard” — Hillary Clinton’s newest memoir.
Though this book is still in rewrites, this latest Hillary memoir is said to be a compilation of her thoughts and musings during her failed Presidential campaign.
Our intrepid reporter was able to find balled up pages of the manuscript while dumpster-diving behind the Clinton compound in Chappaqua.
The rumpled and discarded pages are not numbered. But we have done our best to assemble them chronologically.
The original pages appear to be written in Hillary’s own hand (Sample page available below).
Excerpts from “Rode Hard”
Notes written at the time Hillary’s email server was revealed. These notes were written on several pages – some pages containing only one sentence.
I’m going to sue the fucking New York Times!!! Podesta said they’re on our payroll! How dare they!!!
It was that witch Valerie Jarrett! I know it! That bitch has had it in for me since I was at State. Maybe even before.
Just because I said she looked like a Hobbit and grew up in Shirebeckistan. I didn’t say it in front of her! But she still has to try and destroy me.
Now I have to waste my time explaining things – like those idiot voters have any business knowing.
Damn that Jarrett!!!
Got finished reading the draft for my UN statement on the email server. Who wrote this crap?
Like anybody is going to believe I do yoga.
The things these idiots make me say in speeches, for crying out loud.
Bill promised nothing will come of it. Said he has a secret weapon to stop any prosecution. As if anybody would ever try and prosecute me.
Cheryl still urging me not to run. Because of this?! If she didn’t know so many secrets, I’d drop her ass.
Notes written during Hillary’s first “Listening Tour.”
Ate at Chipote. Chipolte? Whatever. It was Huma’s idea. All those beans gave me gas.
But at least the reporters on the payroll are talking about how I’m just like everyday Americans.
“Everyday Americans.” I hate that term. But Podesta and Nick think I need to look like I give a shit about people.
I hate Iowa.
Had to make a speech at a bowling alley. Smelled like feet and all the people were fat.
Tried to ban crying babies from my events, but Robby said we need every person possible to make it look like I’m popular. Asked if we could tape their mouths shut so they don’t scream. He said no.
Spent the night in a town where the liquor store closed at nine. There aren’t enough tiny bottles in the honor bar to get me through this night. Made Robby drive to Des Moines to get me a case of Grey Goose. Still isn’t back.
Told Robby to make sure the coffee shop photo-op has me sitting with attractive people. No uglies. Don’t photograph well.
Notes on Trump entering race. We were unable to determine if they were written all at the same time.
Heard Trump’s speech at TT. Didn’t have a script or teleprompter. How does he do that?
Asked Podesta if I could try making a speech w/o prompter and script. He laughed.
Why can’t Chelsea look more like Ivanka?!
If this asshole Trump hurts Jeb’s chances of winning, I’m screwed.
But Republicans will never nominate him. No way. He’s a joke.
Notes on Bernie Sanders.
What the hell is wrong with these idiots?!
Why can’t I get crowds like that?
DWS promised me! She promised me nobody would take Bernie seriously.
And now look!
Now I have to pretend I want to raise the minimum wage. And Robby says I have to oppose TPP or I’ll lose the labor vote to that old socialist crank!
I have angry execs from Goldman Sachs calling me at all hours.
If DWS doesn’t sabotage this guy’s candidacy, I’m going to lose!
I can yell and wave my arms too you know!
Good thing I can play up the Jew card in the south. But I’ll tell Robby to get outside people to do it. Can’t make those Jew bankers angrier than they already are by doing it myself.
More notes on Trump. It is unclear when these notes were written. There were several pages with only a sentence or two.
WHY CAN’T I HAVE A PRIVATE PLANE?! Trump’s plane is ugly. Stupid plane. Thinks he’s so special because he has a plane. I could have a plane.
Told Bill to use Haiti $$ to buy a private plane like Trump’s. He said no because of the scrutiny over “Clinton Cash” book.
Note to Robby: No interviews with Megyn Kelly. If she treats me like she did Trump, I’ll have to have her killed.
Tried a whole case of Trump wine. Don’t remember if I liked it. But all the bottles were empty this morning.
Trump is making Jeb look like a fool. I swear to God if Jeb isn’t the nominee, I’m going to have to kill someone.
Random notes – unable to determine order. These notes were compiled from several torn and crumpled pages.
Clicked a link in email. Was supposed to show me naked pictures of Beyonce. But it didn’t. Now my email is all wonky.
Make sure Huma packed my ear-bud for tomorrow’s debate. Can’t remember all those Bernie hits they wrote out for me.
Who’s Katy Perry?
The elastic in these pants is cutting into my stomach. Have designer send a size bigger. See if she has a larger jacket. Need more room.
Met with Al Sharpton. The guy is looking bad – skin hanging off like a well-dressed Shar-pei.
Why are Lesbians so ugly but gay guys so pretty? Ask Robby to get me more gay guys for the next ad. Or cast pretty girls to play Lesbians.
Nick said he can’t make sense of my notes for new book. Makes complete sense to me.
We need batteries. Night-time buddy not working.
When I win the White House this book is going to sell better than “Dreams From My Father.”
Can’t we skip the primaries? Just nominate me for shit’s sake.
Don’t make me campaign in West Virginia. Those miners are dirty and smell like Bill’s running shoes.
President Hillary Rodham Clinton. President Clinton.
Boy, Cher really let herself go. She was hot in the seventies. But can she bring in the $$!! Next time tell her to wear flats. I look like a midget standing next to her.
Lena Dunham. God. Whose brilliant idea was it to include her in this campaign? She smells like salt and vinegar potato chips and hugs me too much. Ask Robby to replace her with someone pretty. Maybe that Christina Agulara … Aguilaira? The one with the boobs.
Black radio show interview was awkward. Fallon told me to say “hot sauce.” What the fuck? Do blacks like hot sauce?
Ran out of Grey Goose. Have to drink the gin till Huma gets back from the store.
Hit the tip jar!
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