EXCLUSIVE: Hillary and Huma rehearse the CoFR speech

The Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service has obtained an audio file of Hillary and Huma rehearsing the foreign policy speech the former Miss Rodham delivered before the Council on Foreign Relations.

This audio was secretly provided to us via a Clinton campaign staffer who has demanded on pain of death to be kept anonymous.

In addition, this anonymous source, who has already sent me a dead rat via UPS, included this photo she snapped of Hillary and Huma getting ready to rehearse the speech.

Hillary and Huma rehearse the CoFR speech

Actually, now that I think about it, my source may get outed if I include the picture, so just pretend you didn’t see it.

Unfortunately, this audio file self-destructed after ten minutes, but we were able to transcribe it for your review.

Hillary and Huma rehearse the CoFR speech

recorded on November 18, 2015 in Hillary’s hotel bathroom

Huma
Introduction. Introduction. Introduction. And then Richard Haas will call you on stage.

Hillary
And who is he again?

Huma
(exasperated sigh) The President of the Council on Foreign Relations.

Hillary
Right. Right. You told me that already, didn’t you?

Huma
At least a dozen times.

Hillary
Sure. Right. Okay. So, applause, applause… (pauses).

Huma
Okay, start.

Hillary
Applause. Applause. (pauses).

Huma
(exasperated sigh) Fine. Applause, applause.

Hillary
Thank you! Thank you to President Hoss.

Huma
Haas.

Hillary
Who?

Huma
His name is Haas. Richard Haas.

Hillary
And who’s that?

Huma
(exasperated sigh) The President of the Council on Foreign Relations.

Hillary
Honestly, Huma. Don’t get snippy with me. If you don’t tell me who these people are, I can’t be expected to know who these people are!

Huma
Sure. Anything you say. Now, let’s skip the introductions and get to the meat of the speech.

Hillary
Right. The meat of it. (sound of papers ruffling) Okay. Here we go:

Now, let’s be clear about what we’re facing. Beyond Paris, in recent days, we’ve seen deadly terrorist attacks in Nigeria, Lebanon, Iraq, and Turkey, and a Russian civilian airline destroyed over the Sinai. At the heart of today’s new landscape of terror is ISIS. They persecute religious and ethnic minorities, kidnap and behead civilians, murder children. They systematically enslave, torture, and rape women and girls. ISIS operates across three mutually reinforcing dimensions…

Okay, wait. “mutually reinforcing dimensions?!” What the frilly hell does that mean?!

Huma
It means they use more than one method for carrying out their campaigns that all work together, but we want you to sound like you have some serious foreign policy chops. And these think tank people talk a certain way. And “mutually reinforcing dimensions” is something they would say.

Hillary
But it isn’t something I should say in Iowa or South Carolina? Right?

Huma
Don’t even joke about that. All right, now keep going.

Hillary
ISIS operates across three mutually reinforcing dimensions — a physical enclave in Iraq and Syria, an international terrorist network that includes affiliates across the region and beyond, and an ideological movement of radical jingoism.

Huma
“Jihadism,” not jingoism.

Hillary
Jihadism?! That’s not a word! I have a law degree and I’ve written several books. I would know if that was a word.

Huma
Well, we can’t say “Islamic terror,” so we’re calling it radical jihadism.

Hillary
You’re damn right we’re not calling it Islamic terror! But, isn’t “jihad” a Muslim word?

Huma
We went over all this yesterday.

Hillary
We did?!

Huma
Just trust me on that. Now, move along.

Hillary
ISIS operates across three mutually reinforcing dimensions —a physical enclave in Iraq and Syria, an international terrorist network that includes affiliates across the region and beyond, and an ideological movement of radical jingo … um jihadism. We have to target and defeat all three.

And time is of the essence. The election for President is less than a year away and I would really rather it get taken care of before I have to face a Republican in the general.

Huma
We cut that line, remember?

Hillary
We did?! When?

Huma
Yesterday after you polished off that second bottle of Grey Goose.

Hillary
Right. Okay.

And time is of the essence. ISIS is demonstrating new ambition, reach, and capabilities. We have to break the group’s momentum, and then it’s back. Our goal is not to deter or contain ISIS like that moron in the White House, but —

Huma
The moron line got cut too.

Hillary
You really have to tell me these things.
(sighs, ruffles pages)
And time is of the essence. ISIS is demonstrating new ambition, reach, and capabilities. We have to break the group’s momentum, and then it’s back. Our goal is not to deter or contain ISIS but to defeat and destroy ISIS.

But we have learned that we can score victories over terrorist leaders and networks only to face metastasizing threats down the road. So we also have to play and win the long game. We should pursue a comprehensive counterterrorism strategy, one that embeds our mission against ISIS within a broader struggle against radical jingoism–

Huma
JIHADISM!!

Hillary
Right.

… radical jihadism that is bigger than any one group, whether it’s al-Qaida or ISIS or some other network.

Huma
Fine. Okay. Let’s skip ahead. Let’s work on that area where you talk about Islam.

(pages rustling)

Hillary
Okay. Good.

Online or offline, the bottom line …

Hey, that’s good. Very “Jesse Jackson.” That oughta help me with the black vote.

Huma
Yeah. I know. You mentioned that yesterday.

Hillary
I did?! Good on me!

Online or offline, the bottom line is that we are in a contest of ideas against an ideology of hate, and we have to win. Let’s be clear, though. Islam is not our adversary. Muslims are peaceful and tolerant people and have nothing whatsoever to do with terrorism.

Are you sure that isn’t a little over the top?

Huma
How so?

Hillary
Well, you know. Fact-checkers are probably going to be all over that. I mean, we can’t buy off every fact-checker. Hell, we can’t even buy off a god-damned comedy club. And don’t you think somebody is going to mention that every single terrorist attack over the last twenty years have been done by Muslims–

Huma
What am I?!

Hillary
You? You’re a Muslim.

Huma
Have I ever committed an act of terror?!

Hillary
Oh. Right. Yeah. Of course. I’m sorry. I’m often confused.

Huma
From the top.

Hillary
From the thank yous?

Huma
No. From the top of that section.

Hillary
Which section?

Huma
Online, offline the bottom line.

Hillary
Oh! Of course.

Online or offline, the bottom line —

Hey, that’s good. Very “Jesse Jackson.” That oughta help me with the black vote.

Huma
Yeah. I know. You mentioned that yesterday.
(exasperated sigh)
And two minutes ago.

Hillary
I did?!

Online or offline, the bottom line is that we are in a contest of ideas against an ideology of hate, and we have to win. Let’s be clear, though. Islam is not our adversary. Muslims are peaceful and tolerant people and have nothing whatsoever to do with terrorism. The obsession in some quarters with a clash of civilization or repeating the specific words radical Islamic terrorism isn’t just a distraction. It gives these criminals, these murderers, more standing than they deserve. It actually plays into their hands by alienating partners we need by our side.

Huma? You ran this speech by somebody who knows this stuff, right? I mean, I don’t want to be saying things that don’t make sense.

Huma
We had Katie Perry go through it.

Hillary
As long as it’s been reviewed. Okay, where was I?

Our priority should be how to fight the enemy. In the end, it didn’t matter what kind of terrorist we called bin Laden. It mattered that we killed bin Laden. But we still can’t close our eyes to the fact that there is a distorted and dangerous stream of extremism within the Muslim world that continues to spread. Its adherents are relatively few in number but capable of causing profound damage, most especially to their own communities, throughout an arc of instability that stretches from North and West Africa to Asia.

I’m sorry, what the hell is “arc of instability?!”

Huma
It’s another one of those wonkish, think tank phrases. Like “mutually reinforcing dimensions.”

Hillary
What the frilly hell is “mutually reinforcing dimensions?!”

Huma
You know what? We need to take a break.

Hillary
A break?! We just came in here not ten seconds ago. We haven’t even started rehearsing yet!

(Exasperated sigh followed by the sound of glass shattering. Then a door slams.)

Hillary
Huma?
(pause)
(papers shuffling)
Online or offline, the bottom line is…
(cackling is heard)
Damn. That’s good. So Jesse Jacksonesque. Those black people are going to eat that up.
(muffled sounds of movement, then the sound of peeing)
Mr. Speaker. The President of the United States! (sound of Hillary faking cheering noises, then humming “Hail to the Chief”)

Wildly Inaccurate Dianny News Service

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One thought on “EXCLUSIVE: Hillary and Huma rehearse the CoFR speech

  • November 20, 2015 at 6:10 pm
    Permalink

    BRILLIANT!! Very Funny, and probably not to far from reality. Man, She really is confused, or something (hic-cup). Pass the Grey Goose. I almost felt sorry for Mrs Wiener. You think she learned how to handle someone like Hitlery in the Muslim Brotherhood School of Spys and Assasins aka A Benevolent Social Justice (Money Laundering Scheme) Charity Organization. And just how does all of Huma’s Muzzie training and indoctrination work into her marriage to a Jewish man? Tis a strange world in deed.

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