You know, it’s been ages since I’ve parsed Obama’s weekly address. Mostly because I can only tolerate so much bullshit in one sitting.

But, with Obama overseas busily trashing the country, this week Gropey Joe tackles Weekly Address duty. And since Joe is always good for stupid, clueless comments, I thought I’d go ahead and give the Dianny treatment to this one.

Weekly Address: In the Face of Terror, We Stand as One*

*(Except for those Islamophobic haters who are running for President. We don’t stand as one with them.)

Good morning everyone.

Actually, it’s not morning because I’m recording this on Friday afternoon after my mid-morning nap and farina lunch. But you don’t know that it’s not Saturday morning for me. Well, you do now because I just told you.

This past week we’ve seen the best and the worst of humanity.

The best being that picture of Miley Cyrus performing topless wearing a dildo and the worst being the Republicans.

The heinous terrorist attacks in Paris and Beirut, in Iraq and Nigeria. They showed us once again the depths of the terrorist’s depravity.

And by depravity, I don’t mean groping women. Although, now that I think about it, they like groping women too.

And at the same time we saw the world come together in solidarity. Parisians opening their doors to anyone trapped in the street, taxi drivers turning off their meters to get people home safety, people lining up to donate blood.

But not solidarity in the sense of actually deciding to join France in a coalition of forces who seek to obliterate ISIS off the face of the planet. That we won’t do.

These simple human acts are a powerful reminder that we cannot be broken and in the face of terror we stand as one.

And by “stand as one,” I don’t mean forego attacks on Republicans.

In the wake of these terrible events, I understand the anxiety that many Americans feel. I really do.

No. I really don’t. But that’s what the speechwriter wrote, so there you go.

I don’t dismiss the fear of a terrorist bomb going off.

But I do dismiss your demands that we do something a little more proactive to prevent terrorist bombs going off here in the United States, you Islamophobic, un-American haters.

There’s nothing President Obama and I take more seriously though, than keeping the American people safe.

Hey, cameraman. Please tell me I made it through that line without laughing this time. I really don’t want to have to start over and do take number six hundred and fifty-two.

In the past few weeks though, we’ve heard an awful lot of people suggest that the best way to keep America safe is to prevent any Syrian refugee from gaining asylum in the United States.

Which would actually help prevent more terrorists from sneaking in the way they have in Paris, Belgium, Germany and pretty much everywhere else.

So let’s set the record straight how it works for a refugee to get asylum. Refugees face the most rigorous screening of anyone who comes to the United States.

Sure, when we’re flinging open our borders and letting anybody in who wants to come in, the bar isn’t very high, but trust me. Refugees face the most rigorous screening of anyone else since nobody else is screened at all.

First they are finger printed, then they undergo a thorough background check, then they are interviewed by the Department of Homeland Security. And after that the FBI, the National Counterterrorism Center, the Department of Defense and the Department of State, they all have to sign off on access.

Of course we can’t check their backgrounds because there is no records worth anything in Syria. But, trust me. We go through the motions as if there are. And yeah, the FBI chief says there’s no way for us to do background checks no matter how many departments and bureaucrats we throw at them. But really. Trust us. There’s nothing President Obama and I take more seriously than … heheheheheh. Er … um … keeping Americans …. HaHaHaHaHa!!! safe.

Oh, balls. I laughed again. We need to cut that part, don’t we?

And to address the specific terrorism concerns we are talking about now, we’ve instituted another layer of checks just for Syrian refugees. There is no possibility of being overwhelmed by a flood of refugees landing on our doorstep tomorrow.

It’ll probably be sometime next week. Or possibly by Christmas. But definitely by the time the 2016 election rolls around since we want to have a ton of them here to by next November to illegally cast a ballot for Hillary. Not that voter fraud exists or anything. You know what? On second thought, forget I said that.

Right now, refugees wait 18 to 24 months while the screening process is completed. And unlike in Europe, refugees don’t set foot in the United States until they are thoroughly vetted.

Which really isn’t thorough. And, come to think of it, isn’t remotely “vetting.” But you get the idea. The flood of refugees are coming. They just aren’t coming tomorrow. So stop fearmongering, you Islamophobic, un-American haters!

Let’s also remember who the vast majority of these refugees are: women, children, orphans, survivors of torture, people desperately in need medical help.

Except for the 73% who are military-age men anyway.

To turn them away and say there is no way you can ever get here would play right into the terrorists’ hands. We know what ISIL – we know what they hope to accomplish. They flat-out told us.

Yeah, okay. They also flat-out told us they would be sneaking their soldiers in with refugees, but, remember VETTING!

Earlier this year, the top ISIL leader al-Baghdadi revealed the true goal of their attacks. Here’s what he said: “Compel the crusaders to actively destroy the gray zone themselves. Muslims in the West will quickly find themselves between one and two choices. Either apostatize or emigrate to the Islamic State and thereby escape persecution.” So it’s clear. It’s clear what ISIL wants. They want to manufacture a clash between civilizations. They want frightened people to think in terms of “us versus them.”

And we all know that it isn’t us versus ISIS, it’s us versus Republicans.

They want us to turn our backs on Muslims victimized by terrorism.

And the only people we will turn our backs on are the Christians who are victimized by terrorism and face certain genocide. Those people see nothing but back.

But this gang of thugs peddling a warped ideology, they will never prevail.

No. Not Islamic terrorists. I’m talking about the Islamophobic, un-American haters in the Republican Party.

The world is united in our resolve to end their evil.

And by “united” we here in the Obama Administration don’t mean by actually having the United States join the fight. Because we won’t do that. But we will happily stand on the sidelines and clap provided those doing the actual fighting and dying aren’t Islamophobic haters who think these guys are Muslims.

And the only thing ISIL can do is spread terror in hopes that we will in turn, turn on ourselves.

Which, frankly, they don’t have to worry about. Because President Obama has been turning us on ourselves long before ISIS ever came along.

We will betray our ideals and take actions, actions motivated by fear that will drive more recruits into the arms of ISIL. That’s how they win.

Of course making sure they can sneak into our country along with those Syrian refugees whom we can’t possibly vet probably will help them win too. But trust me. Doing anything that puts US National Security first only plays into the hands of ISIS. Not that there’s any proof of that, but trust me. If we put America first, ISIS wins.

We win by prioritizing our security as we’ve been doing.

Okay, cameraman. I had to bite my cheeks to keep from laughing. Could you tell? Did you see the smirk?

Refusing to compromise our fundamental American values: freedom, openness, tolerance.

While completely ignoring our fundamental values of “consent of the governed,” the Constitution, and National Security.

That’s who we are.

Well, that’s who we in the Obama Administration are. The rest of you? Not so much.

That’s how we win.

…in our fight to destroy the Republicans.

May God …

Whew! I almost said Allah!

…continue to bless the United States of America…

What? Hang on folks. My chief of staff is saying something. What? I can’t read lips. What are you saying? Oh! Right!

…and God bless our troops.

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