Irreconcilable Differences

Irreconcilable Differences

So, now gays can marry in all fifty states, not because each state made it legal, of course. But because the Supreme Court, once again, decided it was a pseudo-Legislative branch, as well as faux constitutional convention.

But, there you have it.

It occurred to me last night, that along with the imposed legalization of gay marriage on fifty states, we will also have the accompanying legalization of gay divorce.

Not that it will increase the divorce rate very much. After all, we’re not talking about millions of marriages. The number of gays in this country is pretty damn small. Two, maybe three percent of the population. And how many of them plan on entering into a committed union? Even if the percentages remain the same and 40-45% of those gay marriages end in divorce, we’re not talking about a particularly large number of divorces here.

It’s tiny, really. Teeny, tiny.

One mistakenly believes that gays make up a larger percentage of the population only because, despite their tininess, they’re really obnoxiously loud and in our faces. Plus they have the added amplification of the entire Liberal establishment shilling for them. It gives one the impression that there are millions upon millions of them.

When in fact, not so much.

Any old how.

Divorce rates will slightly, in an itty bitty fashion increase.

Because, well, you know. #Lovewins

Divorce is never easy. You commit to one another, make promises to remain together, even weather some really difficult times. But it still can happen.

Sometimes, the smallest things — the wee itty bitty teeniest things — can make you realize that it’s over.

I think we’ve come to that point in our union.

We’ve weathered some terribly hard times together. But it’s becoming clear that you don’t love us anymore. You despise our flag. You hate our Constitution. You want to drive us from the public square, silence us at every turn.

And we’ve tried.

Really, we have tried.

But it’s become clear that you want us gone.

The union between Red State Americans and Blue State Americans is irreparably damaged.

We have irreconcilable differences that we simply cannot overcome.

It isn’t even your affair with gay marriage. That’s nowhere near the biggest problem.

It’s just the last straw.

And, honestly, compared to your hundred year affair with Socialism? This affair with gay marriage really is just a drop in the bucket.

I think it’s time for you to move out.

Listen, I’d say we’d leave, but, really, you’ve always hated our home here in the United States of America. You’ve spent the last one hundred years trying to change our home. You’ve flirted with communism. We’ve seen how you made eyes at those Marxists in Cuba. Don’t tell me we’re wrong about that. And we hear those nasty things you say about our home to your friends in Europe and the Middle East.

So, no. We get to stay in the United States of America. You’re the ones who have to change your country’s name. Perhaps the Union of the Soviet Socialist Democracy. Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? It has “union” in it, and I know how much you like that. Plus socialist! You guys have always been very taken with that word. And, since you’ve always thought we were a democracy even though we weren’t, “Democracy” seems an appropriate word for your new nation.

But don’t worry. I think I have for you a settlement that is more than fair.

And I know how much fairness means to you.

I’ve taken the liberty of drawing out a separation agreement. As you can see, I think it serve us both quite well.

The New Nations

It stands to reason that we’re taking Texas, and all the states to the east and north up to West Virginia. But we’ll leave you Virginia. Truth is, it would probably beg to stay with you, so, we’ll willingly let it go.

We are leaving you South Dakota, but taking North Dakota. However since it’s a fracking state, we figured you wouldn’t want it. For the same reason, we will retain West Virginia. All that coal, you know. Montana and Wyoming are a given, since, well, the guns.

I realize that we cut you off from your western half. However, we will allow for safe passage through Utah to get to California, Nevada, Oregon and Washington. We’ll even name this route the “Sustainable Trail and Safe Space” just to make you feel at home.

I considered keeping Colorado, but those people are so blitzed half the time, you can have them.

Of course, you may keep Hawaii. I didn’t want to cut your Dear Leader off from his Christmas vacations. But we’ll keep Alaska, because, well, the fossil fuels.

Those of us Red Americans currently living in your states will vacate willingly. We will give ourselves 12 months to do so. We’ll be taking with us our businesses, our earnings, our big, gas-guzzling cars, our guns, our Churches and Synagogues, our plastic shopping bags, our fossil fuels, and our offensive, icky Judeo-Christian morals.

You will never have to put up with us and our crazy talk about Patriotism, history, love of God and Country, or inalienable rights ever again.

Likewise, the Blue Americans residing in our states will be relocated to yours. We will even help your citizens with the move. We’ll escort them to the border where you can have the buses you used for all those illegal alien minors lined up and waiting to take them to whatever state of yours they choose.

Once the relocations are completed, we will construct a border fence between us and Mexico as well as one between your states and ours. But, as I said, we will make sure to provide gates on either end of the fence in Utah so that you can make your way across the “Sustainable Trail and Safe Space” into Nevada.

We get custody of the Constitution. You never use it anyway. Maybe John Roberts and Elena Kagan can write you a new one. It can be filled with inspirational quotes, feel-good bromides and fairness. Because I know how much fairness means to you. Though I’m sure it will be particularly thin on things like Separation of Powers, the rule of law and those pesky unalienable rights. But, hey, since you are ruled by Philosopher Kings that know better than anyone else, what use could you possibly have for them?

We’ll even buy back all your guns! Because I’m sure you’ll want to make the Union of the Soviet Socialist Democracy a Gun-Free Zone.

In addition to our Constitution, we’ll keep the American flag. I’m thinking you guys would like something in a commie red with a hammer and sickle anyway. I realize this means you’ll need another flag to burn and trample, but I’m sure something new will come along that offends you just as much since you never seem to lack the ability to be offended.

We will also take the Star Spangled Banner. You won’t miss it. Besides, I’m sure you’ll want a new national anthem. I hear some of Miley Cyrus’ songs are real catchy. Or perhaps something by that Jay Z fellow.

As you can see from the map, I have been considerate of the fact that the majority of you already reside in the states I’ve left you. This was done to ensure a minimum amount of disruption since I know most of you don’t want to be inconvenienced.

I also believe it is only fair that you keep Washington DC and all the miasma that goes with it. The politicians, the unelected bureaucrats, the Supreme Court, the lobbyists. The major news networks and newspapers are yours too. We’ll share custody of Fox News since, honestly, it can’t make up its mind where it wants to go. However, there is one exception.

We keep Greg Gutfeld.

We will happily turn over all college professors in our states to you. We’ll pretty much close down all the universities and colleges in our region except for maybe a handful. In return, you will permit Hillsdale College to relocate to us. Buildings and all.

To sweeten the pot even more, we’re leaving you pretty much all of the Republican Party, including some of the ones from our states. Truth is, even if we didn’t offer to hand them over to you, they’d probably beg to leave. Because we intend to be a genuine Constitutional Republic. Our Federal Government is going to be teeny. I mean it. Tiny. And they won’t like that. Especially given the fact that we’re leaving you all the lobbyists.

We’ll even deport any illegals in our country into yours. I know you won’t mind that.

Sure, you won’t have much by way of law enforcement since they’ll probably all go with us. But you don’t like them anyway, so it’s really a win/win.

Now, you may argue, “But you would be making all our blue people leave your states even if they don’t want to. You can’t compel people to leave if they don’t want!”

But since you have no problems with compelling people to purchase health insurance against their will, provide services for gay weddings against their will, pay their employees an hourly wage they cannot afford against their will, or put low-income housing in their neighborhoods against their will, I’m sure our compelling your citizens to leave our country for yours is something you can easily wrap your minds around.

Besides, we’re just going to tell them that we don’t give a tinker’s fart if we offend them. That alone will be enough to send them running.

Now, I realize that this separation will result in a severe loss of revenue for you. But look on the bright side. That treaty your Dear Leader is making with Iran will probably mean you won’t be around long enough to go completely bankrupt. That is, if ISIS doesn’t get to you first. Which, I suppose is a real possibility given the fact that most of the military personnel will be relocating with us.

Well, except for the transgender SEAL team and the deserters. They’ll stick with you.

So, goodbye Blue America. I know break-ups are hard. But if we were to be completely honest with each other, I think you would agree that you’ve been trying to get rid of the United States of America for a long, long time now. So, I know this divorce really doesn’t come as a shock.

And look on the bright side.

Now you don’t have to spend all that time and energy trying to get us to simply shut up and go away. You can focus on the things that matter to you. Like windmills, solar panels, transgenders, illegal aliens, socialism, and sustainable, green, safe spaces.

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Books by Dianny:

RANT 2.0: Even More Politics & Snark in the Age of Obama,
Liberals Gone WILD!!! The Not-So-Silent Conquering of America,
RANT: Politics & Snark in the Age of Obama,
and two novels: Sliding Home Feet First and Under the Cloud

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5 thoughts on “Irreconcilable Differences

  • June 27, 2015 at 10:04 am

    I think that Northern Nevada will want to come into the US. Would you allow that? They vote almost straight Republican…and have oil.

    • June 27, 2015 at 10:19 am

      Okay, sure. However, they have to agree to permit the “Sustainable Trail and Safe Space” corridor to go through their area.

  • June 27, 2015 at 1:36 pm

    when can I start packing to leave Pa???

  • June 28, 2015 at 6:22 am

    Great I live in VA and you want to give my state to the delusional?! Lets be fair here Dainny! Really it’s only a few counties that go blue in VA thanks to the urban population of VA but for the most part if you look at the counties in VA we are red on any given election. I still see hope for VA going back to Red once we push the liberal loving brain dead back to Maryland and D.C. where they belong!

  • June 28, 2015 at 8:39 pm

    Indiana is in the blue zone because??? If it is over the RFCA rubbish, Hoosiers overall are steamed about Pence backing down!

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