Obama’s Weekly Address: Narrative Damage Control



Thanks to Donald Trump, the majority of Americans aren’t paying attention to the milquetoast in the White House and that’s not good.

And, rather than instantly fall in line with Dear Leader as he commanded we do last Sunday, Americans are buying guns at a record rate — even in San Bernardino, California. What’s worse, a vast majority of Americans see some logic and common sense in the idea of putting a halt to immigration from Muslim countries until the failures in screening made glaringly obvious by the entry of Mrs. Jihadi Malik are corrected.

This just isn’t allowed!

Did you stupid people not listen to Dear Leader last Sunday?! Did you not hear a single scolding word he said?!

Apparently not.

So, in an effort to get our minds right once again, this Saturday’s weekly address is Obama doing a little narrative damage control.

Let’s review, shall we? Here is Obama’s Weekly Address: The Unedited, Extended Play, “Dianny’s Cut” version:

Weekly Address: Standing Strong in the Face of Terrorism

Hello, everybody. This week, Americans across our country have shown what it means to be strong in the face of terrorism.

Mostly by going out and buying guns and ammunition to protect themselves. But let’s not talk about that.

In San Bernardino, even as the community continues to grieve, people are refusing to be ruled by fear.

Mostly by going out to local gun stores and buying guns and ammunition to protect themselves, but, really, we’re not going to discuss that.

Across the county, dedicated public servants are on the job – and more will be returning to work this week.

Except the public servants I’ve shut down because they were actually investigating mosques tied to terror groups, and that isn’t allowed.

Faith communities have come together in fellowship and prayer. Families lined the streets for the annual children’s Christmas parade — because we can’t let terrorists change how we live our lives.

But, don’t worry. Most communities didn’t call it a “Christmas” parade, because we don’t want to offend the Muslims and my fellow kooky Leftists by referring to a Christmas parade as a “Christmas” parade.

Meanwhile, our men and women in uniform are stepping up our campaign to destroy ISIL.

Not that they’re going to use their boots to do any of that “stepping,” because I don’t want us to get dragged into another war. And, really? Since I’ve opened all combat positions to women, they’d probably just get picked off like a bunch of ducks in a carnival shooting gallery anyway.

Our airstrikes are hitting ISIL harder than ever, in Iraq and Syria.

And by “harder than ever” I mean instead of refusing 75% of all bombing missions, I’m now only refusing 74.5% of all bombing missions.

We’re taking out more of their fighters and leaders, their weapons, their oil tankers. Our Special Operations Forces are on the ground — because we’re going to hunt down these terrorists wherever they try to hide.

Unless they’re hiding in the United States. Because if we hunt them down, that may require profiling and profiling isn’t in keeping with our values. It’s not who we are. So we won’t be hunting them down here in the United States.

In recent weeks, our strikes have taken out the ISIL finance chief, a terrorist leader in Somalia and the ISIL leader in Libya. Our message to these killers is simple — we will find you, and justice will be done.

Our second message is, “Don’t worry. I’m releasing replacement commanders from Gitmo all the time.”

This week, we’ll move forward on all fronts.

Except the home front. I won’t do anything here at home. Because, well, profiling.

On Monday, I’ll go to the Pentagon. And there, I’ll review our military campaign and how we can continue to accelerate our efforts.

Then Valerie will tell me what parts of their recommendations I should ignore.

Later in the week, I’ll go to the National Counterterrorism Center. There, I’ll review our efforts — across our entire government — to prevent attacks and protect our homeland.

Unless they suggest monitoring mosques or anything else that might even have the slightest whiff of profiling. Because profiling isn’t in keeping with who we are. Better you all die than we profile a single Muslim.

And this week, the Department of Homeland Security will update its alert system to ensure Americans get more information, including steps that you and your communities can take to be vigilant and to stay safe.

That way you will all know when to run and hide when another small cell of terrorists are terrorizing you because I won’t do a damn thing to stop the ones that are already here, and I’m bringing in more every week.

In the wake of the attacks in Paris and San Bernardino, I know a lot of Americans are asking, “what can I do?” First, as always, we have to stay vigilant. If you see something that seems suspicious, say something to law enforcement. Over the years, plots have been uncovered because someone saw something and spoke up.

But just be forewarned. If you see something and say something about Muslims, the Justice Department will be coming by to take you into custody, monitor your social media posts, and see if you are an Anti-Muslim hater. And if that’s the case, what you saw will be ignored while we use the full force of the Federal Government to prosecute you. But, no pressure!

As I said in my speech last weekend, one of the most important things we can do is to stay true to who we are as Americans. Terrorists like ISIL are trying to divide us along lines of religion and background. That’s how they stoke fear. That’s how they recruit.

Actually, they don’t care if we’re united, divided or indifferent. They’re planning to kill us even if we bend over ass backwards for every Muslim on the planet. In fact, they’re hoping that we feel so damn guilty about even being accused of Islamophobia that we fling our borders wide open and let Muslims in. That way, they’ll have an easier time getting to our shores.

And just as Muslims around the world have to keep rejecting any twisted interpretation of Islam, all of us have to reject bigotry — in all of its forms. I’ll say it again, prejudice and discrimination helps ISIL and it undermines our national security.

How do I know it helps ISIL? Don’t ask me. I just know.

Now, one caveat. Bigotry against white Christians, the dirty Jews, local police departments and black conservatives is perfectly fine. And that sort of bigotry does not in any way, shape, manner or form help ISIL, so keep it up! Oh, and if you want to threaten to assassinate a Republican Presidential candidate, feel free. Nobody will prosecute you. You have my word.

The good news is that Americans are coming together to reaffirm the core values that keep us strong.

Private gun ownership. Demanding Washington halt immigration and seal our borders. Speaking out against my really weak foreign policy. Supporting presidential candidates who are strong on national defense. You know. All the things that I really despise. And, by the way, you may not know this, but all those things help ISIL. How do I know? I just do!

Political leaders across the spectrum — Democrats and Republicans, liberals and conservatives — are standing up, forcefully, for freedom of religion. Churches and synagogues are reaching out to local mosques — reminding us that we are all God’s children.

But, just so you know. We’re not all Allah’s children. And that pretty much sums up why these guys want to kill us. And by “us,” I mean you. Not me. Just you.

Grateful citizens are saying thank you to our patriotic Muslim American service members and veterans. Some of our greatest sports heroes have reminded us why they’re true champions — and voices for tolerance and understanding.

And, any American Muslims who have stood up in agreement with halting immigration from Muslim countries, they have been rightfully shut down and silenced.

Across the country, Americans are reaching out — to their Muslim friends, neighbors and coworkers — to let them know we’re here for each other. I think of the woman in Texas carrying a sign saying, “We love our Muslim neighbors.”

And I want to go on record here right now saying that unequivocally, my Administration had nothing to do with creating these photo-ops. Neither did the Democrat National Committee. And I will not confirm nor deny Organizing for Action’s involvement. These are not coordinated propaganda efforts. I do not do those sorts of things. Like I would never hand out white lab coats to doctors for a Rose Garden event. I don’t play those kinds of games. Ever. Not ever.

That’s the message I hope every Muslim American hears — that we’re all part of the same American family.

Even though a vast majority of you do not want to assimilate or actually become Americans. Even though a large segment of you do not want to embrace our system of laws and our Constitution, but cling to Sharia Law. That’s okay. I don’t embrace our system of laws or our Constitution either.

And it’s a message all of us can deliver — parents to our children, teachers to their students, leaders in politics and business and entertainment.

Consider this your marching orders, public school teachers, Democrats and my friends in business and entertainment. Advance my message. Not propaganda mind you. No. It’s not propaganda. But I am counting on you to carry my message to America. Especially those bitter clingers. But it’s not propaganda!

Back in San Bernardino, people from across the community have joined in prayer vigils—Christians, Jews, Muslims and others.

They’ve also bought guns. And ammo. Lots of guns and ammo. But we’re not going to talk about that.

They’ve sent a powerful message — we’re all in this together.

They’ve also sent the message: Come near me again, and this time I’ll shoot back. But, really, let’s just ignore that message. In fact, we’ll ignore that message the same way we ignored the requests for help in Benghazi.

That’s the spirit we have to uphold. That’s what we can do — as Americans — united in defense of the country that we love.

But by “defense,” I don’t mean my actually defending the country. And I do not mean, and I can’t stress this enough, that you buy guns and ammo so that you can defend yourselves.

And by “love” I don’t mean love the country as founded. But “love” as in “love” the country as I seek to fundamentally transform it. People who actually love this country as it was founded are racists and Islamophobic and really not in keeping with our values.

Is it time for me to leave for Hawaii yet?

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RANT: Politics & Snark in the Age of Obama,
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