What a week this has been for Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. This week, the president told us all about how oily windshields seventy years ago could result in someone having cancer today, but not today exactly, several years ago, or so his “what he meant to say” staff explained to us after the president said he currently has cancer when he doesn’t, but, whoops, he may not have cancer but he has COVID, but just a mild case but you don’t need to hear from the president’s physician just take our word for it.
I haven’t seen a run-on sentence that long since the last time I read the transcripts from a Kamala Harris press conference.
Keep in mind that’s everything that happened to Joe this week and his week only started on Wednesday. He had to take Monday and Tuesday off because the old crock was worn out from his Middle East trip.
Jet lag certainly could explain why Joe Biden attempted to blame oily windshields for cancer that he doesn’t have.
See, in the past when old Joe recounted the harrowing tale of oily windshields from his childhood, it didn’t result in him having cancer; it resulted in him getting asthma, which is just as improbable.
But rather than simply explain that the president misspoke and meant to say oily windshields gave him asthma, the White House explained that the president was referring to the non-melanoma skin cancer he had removed before becoming president – skin cancer that was attributed at the time to sun exposure, not oily windshields.
I feel bad for the White House clean-up team. It’s hard work mopping up all those messes Joe leaves behind.
He’s like a 6-week-old puppy with an over-active bladder, except the only incontinent thing about Joe Biden is his mouth. Or at least I hope so.
And just one day after Joe tells the world he has cancer, he tests positive for COVID – no doubt thanks to those damn oily windshields 70 years ago.
As one clever tweeter remarked on Thursday, that’s the first time in 18 months that the word “positive” could be used to describe anything related to Joe Biden.
According to the White House COVID coordinator, little Joe slept well Thursday night and ate both his breakfast and lunch. He even held up his empty plate like a good boy.
Can you imagine how hard Vladimir Putin laughed when he was shown this clip?
Or the high-fives between Putin, Erdogan, and the Ayatollah after they posed for that creepy hand-holding photo?
President Xi probably ordered another round of “military exercises” over Taiwan the moment he heard that little Joey showed Ashish Jha his empty plate.
Friday, the White House held a staged session on “gas prices” from the president’s pretend White House set in which the president video-conferenced in from COVID isolation. The guy looked horrible.
Did you ever see that episode of “Star Trek” when Kirk and Spock go to this planet to look for a Star Fleet officer whose gone missing? It turns out the Star Fleet officer violated the prime directive and encouraged the inhabitants to adopt the efficiency of the Nazis. He even became their Führer. By the time Kirk and Spock show up, he’s become so old and decrepit that the only time the people see him is via a video conference where he is propped up behind the microphone so people can’t see that his lips aren’t moving as a pre-recorded speech is played.
Something about the pasty, decrepit Joe Biden video-conferencing into that session made me think of that episode.
In response to the video of the haggard old crock, Mollie Hemingway said: “I think everybody would understand – for his own sake, and our republic’s – if he took a few weeks off. They know our adversaries can see this, right?”
Good grief, this White House can’t even effectively deal with Biden telling the world that he has cancer because of oily windshields seventy years ago. Does anyone think they can effectively manage Joe having COVID?
Friday, the White House posted proof-of-life photos on Twitter showing COVID Joe “working” in isolation. The only thing missing was a photo of him holding up the front page of yesterday’s Washington Post.
Meanwhile, Kamala Harris is making the most of old Joe being out of commission.
The White House has been sending Kamala to red states in her role as point-person on abortion and gun control, which means she’s giving plenty of speeches (which means red states are about to get redder).
Why, just on Thursday, Kamala delivered remarks at three different events in Charlotte, North Carolina. And, big surprise here, she deployed her favorite phrase a total of ten times – seven of them showed up in just one speech.
Despite only using her favorite phrase twice during her remarks to the members of the Omega Psi Phi fraternity, those two were the most hilarious uses of Kamala’s favorite phrase out of all three speeches.
At one point, Kamala was recounting a (no doubt fictional) conversation between her and her goddaughter.
Read it out loud to really appreciate the texture of this word salad:
“And — but she’s — she was — I was talking to her the other day, and she was like, ‘Auntie, I’m not — I got to now look at which states I’m looking at IN TERMS OF where I’m going to apply for college.’ That’s real. Right? So I would ask us to think — because I would like your help, IN TERMS OF — on my — at my stage and my platform.”
Hahahaha!! What a hot mess!
I’ve read that aloud to myself four times already, and it’s still hilarious.
“That’s real. Right?”
No, it isn’t real. This conversation is entirely Kamala’s creation.
Do you know how I know? Because she quotes her goddaughter using the phrase “in terms of.”
That conversation is about as real as oily windshields causing cancer.
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