Turkey-Haters Anonymous


Hi. My name is Dianny. And I don’t particularly like turkey.

Ordinarily, this aversion to turkey is easy for me to manage. But then Thanksgiving rolls around.

Maybe it isn’t fair to say I hate turkey. I’m just not turkey’s biggest fan.

It’s kinda dry.

No offense.

I feel the same way about chicken. But that’s mostly because of the time I ordered chicken fingers at a restaurant and underneath the fried batter, the damn strips of chicken were raw.

Never bite into raw chicken. It’s like eating a rubber band.

I never understood why we have to eat turkey on Thanksgiving.

What’s wrong with serving a thick, juicy medium-rare steak?

I love steak.

I remember one time asking we have ham for Thanksgiving.

My mom looked at me as if I suggested we eat a baby.

Now, I don’t mind the stuffing and mashed potatoes. Though I’m kinda iffy on cranberry sauce since it makes me feel like my teeth are pulling back into my jaw.

And I think pumpkin pie is kinda gross. There’s something about eating food that has the consistency of something that’s already been eaten that gives me a wiggins.

I never know how to respond when someone says to me, “So, how was your Thanksgiving? Did you eat until you burst?”

The looks of horror I get when I say I’m not a fan of turkey have taught me to just smile and say, “My Thanksgiving was nice, thanks. How about you?”

From the episode “Pangs” from Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

Well I think that’s a shame. I
love a ritual sacrifice.

It’s not really a one of those.

To commemorate a past event you
kill and eat an animal. It’s a
ritual sacrifice. … with pie.

Can’t Thanksgiving be a ritual sacrifice of a cow?

The only time I have ever liked turkey is when I had “deep-fried” turkey.

Holy smokes! It was the best thing I ever ate.

But the work!

You have to buy a thousand gallons of peanut oil. So, sure. You might get the turkey for sixty-nine cents a pound, but then you have to spend the budget of a small European country on the oil.

So, steak. Sure, it costs more than turkey, but sweet fancy Moses is it good! Steak, a baked potato with sour cream and chives. Steamed vegetables with melted butter. I’m dying here!

I realize that switching to Thanksgiving Steak would have a down side.

A construction-paper steak in a pilgrim’s hat doesn’t look as cute hanging from the wall of a classroom.

But the eatin’s good!

Any old how.

I wanted to wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving.

We are a deeply blessed people. Even in times of struggle and division, the blessings of being American are limitless.

And I wanted you all to know how grateful I am to all of you who make PatriotRetort.com a regular stop on your journey through the Internet.

Now, go eat your turkey and leave me to my steak.

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11 thoughts on “Turkey-Haters Anonymous

  • November 24, 2016 at 10:27 am

    Haha. My husband loves a turkey dinner and acts like Thanksgiving is the ONLY time you can eat it. I can take it or leave it. I’d be happy with a can of cashews. I have a son that’s decided he’s a vegetarian, I don’t expect him to live long, especially at my hands since his “tofurkey” is $25 and takes about 8 hours to cook. Like most mothers I want to keep my children babes but I’m praying for 18 when I can pack his $25 tofurkey in a sack and bid him farewell.

    Happy Thanksgivng all and many blessings.

  • November 24, 2016 at 10:32 am

    LOL! Whatever makes you have a Happy Thanksgiving, Dianny! Enjoy your day. 🙂

  • November 24, 2016 at 10:54 am

    And please tell me I’m not the only one that dreads “family day”. My mother and mil will both arrive offering to help which really means you’re a terrible cook. I’m never sure which they hate most, me or each other. Funny I never invite either of them, they bless me with their presence. By the end of the day I’ve had so much wine I’m barely upright but I’m thankful for surviving another family day.

    Somewhere out there is true family day, I’m grateful for that. And I’m grateful for my husband that at the end of the day kisses me on the forehead and says, you didn’t kill anyone, I’ll do the dishes.

  • November 24, 2016 at 11:26 am

    Dianny, try a turkey that has been “brined”. Makes for way more moist…but I must agree that a deep fried turkey is top shelf….
    And speaking of top shelf, after dinner sipping from Eagle Rare, 10 year old, single barrel.

  • November 24, 2016 at 11:52 am

    Ralph never heard of eagle rare but I’m going to look it up. I need it, lord help me. Mil just arrived with her stuffing that her son loves, according to her. I said oh thank you, it wasnt necessary. .She said, well I know you’ll like it because YOUR PEOPLE love garlic. Oh my God. I’m Italian, her dressing is some kind of green mushy baby puke crap and so spicy it will set your lips on fire. But MY PEOPLE love it. I need more wine, where’s my glass. I’ll get through the day. I’m in hiding, my poor husband. Although he did hide all knives.

  • November 24, 2016 at 12:08 pm

    Mother just arrived, spiral sliced ham in tow from the ham store or whatever it is because she announced that she knows I can’t afford it but there should be choices. Opening another bottle of wine, must be the cheap stuff. God help me. It’s one day, it’s only one day.
    What’s the neighbor up to?

  • November 24, 2016 at 2:31 pm

    It’s Filet Mignon slathered with bacon for my house this year. Last year we had a meat salad appetizer as well…

  • November 24, 2016 at 4:33 pm

    So far, it’s been salmon, steak, spaghetti and a little sliced turkey. (Very juicy!) For dinner, it’ll be sweet & sour chicken, asparagus, and cheddar biscuits. Eat what makes you happy! Make your own traditions!

  • November 24, 2016 at 6:12 pm

    I just discovered your site from over at disqus.
    I upvoted you $2,
    I have funding issues, but I wanted to say thanks for making me laugh!
    I love satire and humor!

    • November 24, 2016 at 6:43 pm

      Glad you found me!

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