Viva la Revolución!

Barack Obama took time away from his busy schedule avoiding Justice Scalia’s funeral to defend his decision to travel to Cuba next month in his Weekly Address.

Let’s take a look at what Barry had to say (and what we know he really meant to say):

WEEKLY ADDRESS: A New Chapter with Cuba

Hi, everybody. This week, we made it official—I’m going to Cuba. I’m sure some of you are hoping I stay there. But, trust me. Cuba is such a backward country, they don’t have any nice golf courses, so keep dreaming.

When Michelle and I go to Havana next month, it will be the first visit of a U.S. president to Cuba in nearly 90 years. And it builds on the decision I made, despite national pressure not to do so, more than a year ago to begin a new chapter in our relationship with the people of Cuba. And by “people of Cuba,” I don’t mean the people of Cuba, I mean Fidel and Raul Castro. They’re so dreamy. Don’t you think they’re dreamy?

-sigh- Um. Okay. I’m back!

You see, I believe that the best way to advance American interests and values, and the best way to help the Cuban people improve their lives, is through engagement — by surrendering to the Communist Regime in Cuba… um… I mean by normalizing relations between our governments and increasing the contacts between our peoples. I’ve always said that change won’t come to Cuba overnight. Especially since I really don’t want to do a damn thing to free them from the oppressive regime that has had its boot on the throats of the Cuban people for over fifty years. But as Cuba opens up, it will mean more opportunity and resources for ordinary Cubans. And by “ordinary Cubans,” I don’t mean ordinary Cubans, I mean Fidel and Raul Castro. -sigh- They really are great role models. I could learn a lot from them. And, you may have noticed, I already have. And we’re starting to see some progress.

Today, the American flag flies over our embassy in Havana, and our diplomats are interacting more broadly with the Cuban people. More Americans are visiting Cuba than at any time in the last 50 years—Cuban-American families; American students, teachers, Beyonce and Jay-Z, humanitarian volunteers, faith communities—all forging new ties and friendships that are bringing our countries closer. But unlike when those people visited Cuba, Raul has already assured me that Michelle and I won’t have to see any of those misguided “dissidents” who have the nerve to oppose the Castros. And when direct flights and ferries resume, even more of our citizens will have the chance to travel and work together and know each other.

And, let’s be honest, who cares that the Castros are tyrants who murder their own people and leave them in abject poverty? All that matters is getting to know each other. If only Reagan had done the same with the Soviet Union. But no! He had to work tirelessly to destroy the USSR. That isn’t in keeping with our values. Our values say we should be the “good-will ambassadors” to the world and just overlook those minor differences like human rights violations and oppression. And, really. Communism isn’t so bad. They’re just misunderstood. I can speak from experience on that. Trust me.

American companies are starting to do business in Cuba, helping to nurture private enterprise and giving Cuban entrepreneurs new opportunities. Sure, the Castros will probably benefit the most financially, but hey, it’s their country. With new Wi-Fi hotspots, more Cubans are starting to go online and get information from the outside world. Golly. I sure hope they’re watching this right now. Wouldn’t that be great?! In both our countries, there’s overwhelming support for this new relationship. Not from most Cuban Americans, but who cares about them? They’re not authentically Hispanic. After all, they tend to traditionally vote Republican, so I really don’t care what they think. And in Cuba today, for the first time in a half century, there is hope for a different future, especially among Cuba’s young people who have such extraordinary talent and potential just waiting to be unleashed. Not really. The Castros aren’t going to give up power and, let’s face it, I’m not going to do anything to shake them loose.

My visit will be an opportunity to keep moving forward. Because my words can heal. I’ll meet with President Castro to discuss how we can continue normalizing relations, including making it easier to trade and easier for Cubans to access the Internet and start their own businesses. Plus, I’m bringing my selfie stick so I can get tons of great pictures to post on Twitter! As I did when I met President Castro last year, I’ll speak candidly about our serious differences with the Cuban government, including on democracy and human rights. But since President Castro knows my words rarely match my actions, I know he won’t mind. Hahahaha, ah. We still joke about that “red line” thing in Syria. I’ll reaffirm that the United States will continue to stand up for universal values (you’ll notice I never call them God-given rights) like freedom of speech and assembly and religion. Except not the Christian religion. But trust me, I’m going to hammer Castro hard on Islam.

I’ll meet with members of Cuba’s civil society—courageous men and women who give voice to the aspirations of the Cuban people, but since none of them are famous, I won’t bother bringing the selfie stick to that meeting. I’ll meet with Cuban entrepreneurs to learn how we can help them start new ventures. Maybe send them a lot of money that would be wasted on things like our vets. And I’ll speak directly to the Cuban people about the values we share and how I believe we can be partners as they work for the future they want. My speechwriters are working on it even as we speak. I told them to make sure to find a way to work in a well-placed insult against those two fake Cubans running for the Republican nomination.

We’re still in the early days of our new relationship with the Cuban people. This transformation will take time. Which may surprise you since my Fundamental Transformation here in the US was quick like a bunny. But I’m focused on the future (like me getting a second Nobel Peace Prize and maybe a statue in the middle of Havana), and I’m confident that my visit will advance the goals that guide us—promoting American interests and values (well, my interests and values anyway) and a better future for the Cuban people who for some inexplicable reason still want to get the hell off that little island, a future of more freedom and more opportunity. Don’t ask me how to get that done since I can’t seem to advance the needle on more freedom or opportunity here in America.

Thanks everybody. And to the people of Cuba who I really hope are watching this on their spiffy new Wi-Fi — nos vemos en La Habana. No idea what the hell that means, but trust me, I mean it!

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